Dear friends, The chapter "Aquiles" is now over. His flight was booked for the 23.4. but in the last three days before the trip again the pattern repeated that had made me suspicious even during the previous period. So I made the separation. Since then an energetic hell broke lose that assured me of the correctness of my decision one hand but left me in a room with no palpable future.
Have you seen the report of the Peruvian school children in Tarapoto?
The problem started on April 29, six days after I cut ties with Aquiles. When I saw the images I felt the energy of the event. I began to shake and was thrown into a memory from my childhood, when I experienced the exact same thing.
You can find it on google: Possession schoolchildren Tarapoto Peru.
In short: The devil is on the loose and he is hungry.
The devil has many faces. He was expecting to feed in Europe, but this plan was thwarted in the last minute. So he went on a rampage.
My whole life seems to be interwoven with this issue. It is the battle with the devil, in whose existence no one believes any more, but who also exists in the concrete manifestation just as God manifests concretely in human beings. I had a grandmother, whose parents had still been nomads and had bought a small property in the Oberpfalz with money from the bank. They had been shepherds, traveling the Danube valley from the Black Sea to Germany and back. When my grandmother told the old folk tales, it would happen regularly that a howling wind whistled around the house and the window shutters would bang and rattle. She then said: "Now he rumbles again, the old fellow." - Her presence reassured me, though I still felt her fear. Together we read her large picture Bible and so I understood the power of goodness, the power of God, worthy of the name, because this energy was the protective shield against which the "Old Fellow" was powerless. This formed the basis of my faith in God and my courage.
At all times of my life I had dreams of and with the devil. But because I had realized early on that he can not get me as long as I stay good, honest and God-trusting, a veritable dialogue ensued.
Here a piece, which I wrote about a year ago: "In our universe we have the physical manifestation of a phenomenon that had not materialised in the parental universe, we manifested "the fall". In our parental universe physical life happens on a disc, is less dense than in our universe, has a central vortex, a vacuum, that is inside a tree. The tree is inside a garden...The whole thing is embedded into a kind of watery sphere, a cosmic ocean, which is surrounded by fire. The people living there have the same consciousness as we do, except they have no forgetfulness and are aware of their creative powers. Our universe was created by one person from there and this person has since been given the authority over our universe. Even though many other people from there have come here, none of them has competed against the one, who created this universe, except for one: the devil, and another one: the girl of his dreams, the woman after his heart, I call her the shevil. Those two have become the root of a counter-creation, a horde of hell-spawn, devastating our planet and who knows what not. All life-forms are interlinked through family ties according to their attributes. The god-people are like brothers and sisters, who never rebel against their parents, even though they have just the same capabilities. So the parents have their court of royal plants and animals and the brothers and sisters have their court of lesser plants and animals. They came into being through this interaction of the creative mind with the elemental forces. The person, whose pursuit of ever greater thrill made him into the "devil" had succeeded to dominate the elementals through his superior intelligence and trickery, driven by his insatiability. This led to a destabilisation of the parental universe, because he had managed to seduce the entire male aspect. The parental universe literally burst and "the fall" happened, the birth of this universe with a globe as our new home, our planet earth. In the parental universe, it was easy to discern good and bad. Light energy is rising up, heavy energy is sinking down. The people, who had mastered the empty mind, the surrender of ego, could enter the inner circles around the tree, close to the central vortex, the others were carried off towards the periphery. At the point, when the purification of our parental universe was due, when enough males had realised their "honest" mistake and wanted to disengage from it, others forced the burst and escaped their "court case". Due to the round shape of our globe, the old ordering system did not function anymore. Good and evil people got mixed up and no-one knew anymore who was who. This was our problem."
All throughout my life I have seen variations of the following, the devil appearing in front of the Last Judgment: "In the end the devil is always doing sums, either he is counting days and there are some times just not accounted for, or money, that he “lost” because he bribed someone and doesn't want to say it, or bought something awful with it, or he is counting his body parts and there seem to be some missing, or he is getting too thin, not having enough substance. I have seen this so many times. When he stands in judgment, he sweats and chews his pencil and calls for his old mother to help him write his account. She then finds a way to help him tell the truth and he gets terribly red in the face. He gets more and more furious and descends through a kind of chimney into the fire and through the fire into lead. There he gets stuck. But when he finds help from his female colleague he gets back out again."
When I was about 25 years old, I had a vision, where I was dancing Tango with the devil. I felt that he was desiring me and I was able to control him by the strength of his desire for me. It was, as if this was my way of subduing him. But I also felt the strong attraction that emanated from him and I knew, I could only survive this fight, if I was able to control my desire. This is in a nutshell the pre-cognition of my relationship with Aquiles - and the basis of my insight in a morality that will keep us safe, happy and alive. I had this awareness as a parallel reality all along and I believe, I have mastered the test, even though it took more energy from me than I thought, I was able to generate. I am completely exhausted. This is the truth and if I wouldn't receive help, death would be all that I can wait for. I could die in peace. My job is finished.
But life is greater than death, reality is more marvelous than human scheming, the community of God-souls is vast. I am open for a new wind and, so God will, my life will see another chapter, another meaningful purpose. When I read about plans for a peace-convoy to Moscow in August, I felt I could join this project, driving my VW-van. Yet - and this is new and scary for me - in order to get ready for it, I need very physical, practical help, getting my small hut renovated and the section cleared. I also need money, for the Peruvian drama has emptied my bank account. My family will not help me, I already asked. Without outside help, I have no perspective. That is the reality.
thank you for reading through this. :-)
Copy of an open letter to all my Shipibo contacts: These are the details of my experience with one of the Shipibo Shamans. I believe this is not an isolated incident. This type of story happens often, it is the way you Shipibos work. The difference is that I have been a master of meditation before I arrived in Peru. Therefore I could not be swept away by the power of the experience and my own conduct has been pure and clean. Not many women are able to master the seduction. I did and therefore I am calling you to account before God and humanity. You are not helpers but vultures. The desolate state of the world is a testimony to your evil influence. You are the masters and you are bad.
The people of your culture are powerful. Your masters are the same as the pharaohs of Egypt, the priests of Jerusalem and the prophets of the great world religions. Your minds have dominated the mind of humanity forever. You are the kings. Your law rules the world. Your character dominates human consciousness. Your evil is the evil that destroys the earth. In our days you are poor and you hate it. You believe you deserve wealth and comfort because you are so powerful. But the laws of time have hit you with your own sword. Your own greed and cruelty have come back to you in the form of the conquistadores, in the form of American imperialism and in the form of an economic system that makes you experience the results of your own injustice. You do not like it and you want to take revenge. But you make everything go from bad to worse. Nobody is powerful enough to stop you. So you can celebrate your power until you have destroyed yourselves and everyone else. How great you are, indeed. Nobody can match your power. You are invincible. How wonderful for you.
Aquiles was bound to a bad wife, when I met him and afterwards he thanked me for the miracle of liberating him. In some sense the wife is the master of the husband. It is the rules of the wife that create the structure of the marriage and the energy in the family. In your family, there is the rule of injustice, of envy, of competition. The children are jealous of each other and all are ruled by the hierarchy of, who is the favorite of the lady of the house. It is the most unhappy and destructive of all family patterns. The members of your family are not free to speak their mind, they are not even free to think their own thoughts, because your thoughts are open to each other and whoever opposes the mistress will be punished in a way, only she knows how to dish out. Anyone opposing her is left out, will not receive money and will be treated worse than a dog. Such is your reality. These are the Hunger Games. This is the mind that creates poverty. This is not the conduct of a mother. This is a demon, an evil and ambitious whore, who will not stop at nothing to make everyone suffer or obey her and do her will. Aquiles has played the same game with me. He tried to make me desire him more than he desired me. But this did not work, because I am a master of my own energy. I have felt desire for him but I cannot be made dependent, because I am free and I can control my desire. I believe this was the reason, why he desired me so much, why my energy attracted him so much. There was nothing I did to attract him. I did not send my energy towards him. And because of this, I believe, he felt such an attraction for me and he wanted me, because there was and is stillness within me. In this stillness there is an unlimited source of energy. This energy he wanted even more than the money. Tapping into my source of energy has given him new life, has made him more powerful in his work. But it has now become clear that he failed to honor me for my gifts. He stole from me and did not give anything back. He wanted to make me hungry for him, make me dependent on him, so that he could control me. I had this suspicion earlier, but I was not sure. I always thought there may be other reasons, why he cannot let his love flow freely. I thought, this might change, once his family entanglement has been resolved. Now the picture is clear. He has used the same hunger game strategy and therefore, he and his old demon wife may be the true suitable partners for each other. He is as much a demon as she is.
Copy of my message to Aquiles about the worst part of the experience for me personally: “I never approached you sexually. You approached me. Not only once but three times. It was you, who desired me and I told you clearly BEFORE the very first time that I am not interested in casual sex, but I am interested in a relationship, in companionship, in spending the life time together. I asked you, not to have sex with me. I begged you to desist. But you disregarded my words and simply took me. The same happened the second time. I had told you very clearly that I am a one-man-one-woman-woman. And the same happened the third time, when you made a marriage vow to me. I believed you. But I am only a gringa and obviously it is not necessary to be honest to gringas. Believing you was my mistake. But you humiliated me and lied about me. For the public eye you constructed and maintained the picture of a lecherous and sex-crazed gringa, who is after the attractive Shaman like the devil after a poor soul.”
By agreeing to be his wife, I had freed him from this bad master, of his previous wife. He could have accepted to live according to my rules. He did not want this. He could have been a free man after I cut our relationship. He could have decided to fight for me, to win me back. But he didn’t. This last action of getting back to his old marriage has completed the picture for me. My human heart has suffered terribly, but only people with a heart can imagine this. My spirit is relieved. I have torn the veil from the face of the devil. There is no Christ. There is only Antichrist and everything else is falsehood and pretense. The Judgment Day has seen the evidence.
I think it was my job to discover the truth about those very powerful people. They are at the center of their own ancient culture, they are the sun-gods and they have great influence in the entire creation. I feel as if I was like a detective, who needed to find the culprit of the spiritual crimes that have been like curses in the mind of humanity. Their influence is vast. All the great religions and all the wars and conflicts are results of their power games.
It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and I feel exhausted but well. I had been trained in many ways beforehand and I only understand now, why I had to learn and study so much. I needed all my training to be able to accomplish this task.
I think the main part of the job was to have a proof of their actions. I have experienced first hand, how they act. Therefore I can now say with confidence that they have no reason to complain about their history, even though they had very bad experiences with the conquistadores. But they were cruel and power crazy before. They have no reason to feel better than anyone else. They are not poor victims. This is my message to them and they cannot escape this truth. This was my job.
Something about the power of deception and the power of knowledge. Shipibos are famous in the world now for their ability to deceive people with their stories and lie with perfection. Their own use of the sacred medicine often has the purpose of spying on others to find out, if someone is trying to deceive them. This has become their idea of knowledge and power.
This is very unfortunate for them. It leads directly to a system of hierarchy, where the greatest deceiver wins the top position and the most innocent and trusting person lands at the bottom.
Quite early in my connection with Aquiles, I was faced with this situation and I made a conscious decision to never try and pierce the deception against the will of anyone. This has several reasons. First, I have a history of being the victim of deception. My own daughter has continuously stolen from me and lied to me. When she was about 6 years old, this had become clear. As her mother, I knew that the image I hold in my mind about her will become the framework for her personality. If I accept her deceiving nature as reality, I will contribute to locking her into this role. But I wanted to keep the door open for her to become a better person. Therefore I deliberately wiped all suspicion and negative expectation for the future after every single incident. I always held her in my mind as the person I wanted her to be, rather than as the person she was. I knew that I was making myself very vulnerable and in the many years after, I suffered heartache after heartache, because she maintained her habit of lying and deceiving. Every time, she did this, I suffered, as if she had done it the first time, because after every incident, I made myself believe that she would never do it again. When she was about 15 years old, she had become so perfect, that I was unable to know, if she was telling the truth or if she was lying. At this point, I set her free and looked at her as an adult, not as my child any longer, who is in my care and under my protection. When I was faced with the lying and deceiving habit of the Shipibos, I knew that I would do the same as for my daughter. I am an educator first and foremost and I am prepared to sacrifice everything in order to improve the character of the people I meet in my life. Another reason for my attitude is my respect for the free will of others. If someone wants to deceive me, I will not stop them. I give everyone the chance to be, who they want to be. I see no value in forcing people to be truthful or good. If they don’t do it from their free will, it has no value. I have no interest to live in a society, where good conduct has to be enforced. I want to live in a world, where people are good from their own free will. Therefore I allow people to do as they choose. However the story does not end here. This was only the first chapter.
The second part is the separation. After people have had the chance to freely choose their actions, I choose to either let them be part of my world or to separate from them. In this way, I intend to create a future for myself that is free of all people of bad will. My vision for heaven on earth, for life everlasting, for a sustainable and happy future can only be based on a community of people, who are good out of their own accord. Only those people are really trustworthy. Everything else is not attractive to me. Perhaps the saddest part of lying and deceiving is the effect it has on the culprit himself. I noticed this with my daughter and the same I now feel from Aquiles. The more they are able to get away with their lies, the less they are able to respect and love me. They see me as stupid and helpless and they think, I am a person of small power and knowledge. So they are actually separating themselves from me long before I decide to separate from them. The heartache of all this is immense. But only a person with a heart could possibly imagine and understand it.
One of the most useful things I learnt in my life is to allow any degree of emotional storms rage through my system, while keeping my mind balanced in the state of witnessing the truth of whatever is happening and my heart in the state of surrender, unconditional acceptance, allowing emptiness and fullness to play their rhythms in free flow. - Apart from the direct benefits of healing to myself, it also has generated many insights. Those insights appear almost like footnotes to the main story, like commentaries to the script. One of those, - the one I woke up with this morning after yet another night of battle - is about sanity and insanity: Sanity is the natural state. Insanity is the result of resistance to it. When people witness emotional storms in themselves or others, they get scared and try to shut the flow down. This is the root cause of loosing balance, loosing touch with the center. Insanity can be seen as the result of trying to maintain an appearance of sanity, the result of fear. Life requires courage and sanity cannot be maintained without supreme courage. Courage depends on truthfulness. As long as a person is engaged in deception, mainly self-deception, censoring and editing the contents of one's own memory, rejecting, not wanting to face certain truths, fear is generated. Truthfulness has an active and a passive aspect. It is active, when one speaks or thinks actively about whatever topic is on the table, but the passive aspect is equally important. Our minds are like screens, displaying the contents of the deep consciousness, where the boundaries between individuals blur and we enter the realm of collective mind. Here we receive the messages from others, the echoes to our own previous actions. This is sometimes called the "voice of conscience", the small inner voice that gives us feedback. Sanity depends on our willingness and our determination to "face the music". This is the place, where humility or the absence of humility makes all the difference. This is the birthplace of humility and it's only true abode. No amount of bowing and courteous behavior can replace it. Outward displays are vain. Humility and truthfulness engender one another and together they are the bedrock of sanity. :-)
As we are going through the motions of evolution of human consciousness, we become more and more collective beings, the defensive boundaries around our small private minds will fade away. Many times a stranger is but a friend, whom we have not yet met. We talk a lot about unity and invoke it over and over again, but we also need to fill this beautiful concept with practical meaning. This is not to say, that I was planning or deliberately creating this situation for myself and others. It just happened and I take it as one of the miracles Great Mystery.
I am playing with all my cards on the table. I learned this from one of my professors at university, who had told us the story of his own battle with the authorities in his youth. He had been in disagreement about the secrecy of the examinations, calling them unfair, because they were at his time conducted in secret, under exclusion of any public scrutiny. After his own exam, one of the professors had challenged him and asked him, if he felt that he had been treated unfairly. He replied, that no matter how fairly he was treated in the specific instant, he still disagreed with the principle of secrecy, for only the principle of transparency can effectively prevent injustice on a broad basis. Therefore I have translated all these things into Spanish and delivered them to the inboxes of all my Shipibo contacts, including Aquiles and his family. From his oldest son, I am receiving "thumbs up" . - I am giving them the running account of their own demise.
The account of my battle last night: I really feel like a David fighting with a Goliath. I have acted like a little bee stinging a bull in the eye and making him run into his own shadow. I never planned any of this, nor did I foresee it. I had premonitions that prepared me, mainly impressing on me the acute necessity to keep focus, to not stray from the path, to develop virtue as the only hope for survival. I had not the faintest idea how important and crucial all this would be. I have thrown down the gauntlet in the face of evil and powerful people. At first they never even took me seriously and this was the first step of their defeat.
Last night, while I was asleep, they tried to demonstrate their control over me and enter my body and my energy by stealth, with the very subtle and gentle movement of a lover. -
In my dream I saw a beautiful, blond woman, smiling, attractive, sitting somewhere in the background, inconspicuously among many others. She held a smartphone in her hands and was about to dial a certain number. While she was trying to do this, my attention was drawn to her and I had the very clear feeling, that she was trying to do something wrong, without knowing, who she was, what she tried to do and why it should be wrong. (As I am writing this, my hands are beginning to tremble once again.) -
It became clear that she was going ahead with whatever she was wanting to do and within me a powerful force arose, I grew very tall and fat, shot like an arrow towards her, heard in my mind a multitude of voices shouting my name as if to warn me not to approach the woman, as if to chide me for a bad action. Yet I did not heed those voices. I must have entered the energy sphere of this woman, I heard my own voice shouting a hugely powerful "NO" very close to her face, yet I did not attack her, for in my heart there was no hate, no enmity. I was catapulted out of my dream in a split second, arriving back in my body, my lips whispering: "please" to complete my message to her: "No, please." I was not only wide awake but I felt, as if I had just escaped a rape attempt. My sexual energy was heightened but in a terrible way. I was surprised, because the reality of my body seemed completely at odds with the content of my dream, which had no sexual feeling at all.
At this point I remembered another dream encounter from about 5 days ago. In this dream I had been walking with Aquiles towards a room. In this room was a woman and he went in and kissed her. Then he turned back to me and asked me: "Surprised?" - As he asked me this, I noticed to my surprise that he looked like a blond woman, in fact he had looked like this blond woman all along, even when we were walking together beforehand. I understood that this is one of his powers. He can assume any face, any form. I replied into this blond woman's face: "No, not surprised. Disappointed!" - I spit into his/her face and again I was transported back into my body in the instant and woke with the echo of the sound of the spitting.
So this morning, I understood quickly, that it was him, the one almighty, omniscient and omnipresent, who had wanted to give proof of his power. I guess, he woke with the surprise this time. Still, it took me quite a while to close my energy portals. I felt as if all my doors were wide open. But I was still in one piece and nothing was missing, especially not my clarity of mind !!! I prayed and chanted, used my breath. It was not difficult, just not nice. It was not nice at all.
This morning, after I had woken from my night of battle, I remembered, what Aquiles had told me about his birth. His shaman-grandfather had not let him drink until he had completely initiated him into the knowledge and this took very long, it brought him close to death and this morning was the first time, I understood what it did to him. It made him absolutely defenseless against the power of hunger and it made him accept the power of the evil women in his tribe, not being able any longer to screen good from bad.
I saw, that he was the son of male AND female evil. At the same time I recalled the prayer I spontaneously prayed last night after my ordeal, the 23. Psalm of King David.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Then a visionary journey happened, I saw Aquiles, the man, return to Aquiles the baby and take the baby into his arms, giving him his breast and milk flowed from his own breast and nourished the baby that he once was. Behind him had gathered a group of men, it was the group of loving homosexual cuples, who had healed each other from the wounds of the evil mother.
I understand, why there seem to be two parallel and contradictory realities around this man. Why it was and still is so excruciatingly difficult to handle the patterns that emerge in relationship with him.
The words of the psalm even take on a deeper meaning in this particular context. Yet, I do hold the hope and the expectation that even this profound shattering can and must be brought to healing and Aquiles is certainly a candidate to walk this path. Last night I saw him briefly in a vision and I surrounded him with blue light, which was quickly accepted into his aura. The Blue cloak is the cloak of the divine motherhood. So it all seems to conspire to form the picture.
The question I feel lingering, though it has not been asked by anyone, is why I did not run, how it was possible for Aquiles to simply "take" me as his wife. Especially after the first experience. The first reason is the personality of his previous spouse. I had seen her nature from the first moment I met her and I had seen him not only at her mercy, but also I saw his unearthly patience. My own intention had been to form a working relationship with him, I agreed to give money for the construction of a healing house, a Maloka, so I had invested a considerable sum of money. In my mind, the plan was, to work with him on a professional basis, yet never interfere with his marriage. Therefore we did many ceremonies together and during those ceremonies my appreciation for his qualities increased, he generated a very transparent and profound atmosphere, at least that was the effect, that I felt in my awareness. Anyone, who has ever participated in a ceremony, knows the space of complete and utter trust, the openness and spiritual intimacy it generates. Within this space, it is not possible to fight or run. If the Shaman decides to abuse this space for sex, there is not much a woman can do, except talk and beg. Physical resistance or running away is pretty much impossible. I could have chosen to stay away after the first experience. This is true. However, owing to the energy of this first encounter, I was able to purify an old sin within my ancestral line, I became aware of a very evil deed, that my great-grandmother had done and I had seen directly, how I myself had carried the subtle traces of her transgression within me. When this came to light in my awareness, any resentment towards Aquiles vanished and I felt, that I was given the chance to cancel her debt, I felt in a strange way grateful and the emotional pain of the experience dissolved completely. So my own system was reset and I felt as clean and clear towards him, as if this had never happened. This feeling of purification together with the fact of having invested a lot of money, made me decide to return to Peru and continue the plan of having a purely professional relationship. If anything, it even increased my hopes for us as a good team and our ability to generate a good space for others to get in touch with their deep issues. Then the second time happened and I was furious. Anger poured out of me and within a day, Aquiles had a huge abscess, that pained him enormously. Yet it did not resolve the problem. I felt like his wife and I felt like he was betraying me with his previous spouse. I experienced the roller-coaster of a betrayed wife and I understood the demons, which are unleashed in such a situation. I worked very hard to control them and I could not. Then I asked within the ceremonies, that our energies should be separated. It was a very interesting experience. The plant doctors arrived, they heard my request and told me, that this is normally impossible, because of the intricacies of the intermingling of bodily juices. Yet they said they can do it for me, because I am able to be so still. I don't remember, how long it took, but I saw like in a microscopic view, how our energies became disentangled. As I came out of the ceremony, my heart was at peace once again, the dark emotions had vanished and once again, I experienced first hand, how important it is for the spiritual hygiene of a society, that people do not cheat on each other. Then followed a period of much construction and constructive planning, yet the deep affection between Aquiles and myself plus the love I received from the rest of the family, especially the children had stirred the demons in his previous spouse. Initially she had not taken me seriously as a competitor, since I am a lot older than Aquiles, I am skinny and she just had not expected, that he could be attracted to me. She began to give me a hard time, but even more, she started to beat down on Aquiles with all her might, stirring his jealousy, shouting, arguing, going out with other people and so forth. I learned in this time, that this was er tried and proven ways to dominate him. Many a morning he emerged like an image of sheer misery. In this time, he approached me with his proposal for marriage, he pleaded with me like a baby searching for a mother. This time I consented from my free will.
Today I had for the first time the feeling that my feedback actually arrived within the awareness of the Shipibos. The metaphor of the "Hunger Games" has pierced their veil of self-absorption and perhaps some of them have begun to see themselves and their culture in this light. In return, I received an even clearer impression of their frame of mind and it made me shudder, how complete and absolute the quest for shamanic power can be. There is no room for love or justice. Every human sentiment is sacrificed on the altar of the unquestioned need for dominance. Over the last two days I also received further confirmation of their inner organisation. It is indeed a perfect pyramid system. Only one person is at the top, even though the identity of this king is not known to all, it is kept a secret only known to an inner circle. There is the constant danger and possibility of challenge, therefore the person at the top must at all times be able to demonstrate his prowess. I believe, this person at the top was Aquiles and now his lead hangs by a thread. In retrospect I understand now, why he never even dreamed of living by my rules. Limiting himself to a single wife, let alone a white-skinned one, would have not only cost him his position, but it would have created anarchy in the tribe. From what I feel from him, the experience with me depleted him even more than it depleted me. Neither his old wife nor any other woman in his culture can match the intensity of the energy he received from me. This is a small and somewhat bitter satisfaction for me. It is none of my doing, it is just the reality. In a nutshell: There is the functionary and the private man, the role and the human. The role must die, so that the human can live. The decision has been made by destiny, not by him, not by me, but by destiny and the reality of our meeting, that was beyond his power to control and beyond my power to control. It just happened, like an ancient tragedy, that has its own script and woe to the actors that need to play it out.
The worst aspect of my experience with Aquiles is the non-event of the work, I was hoping to do with him. I admit that my personal grief has overshadowed this aspect and this is a sign of my self-centered nature, nothing I feel proud of. From what I now understand about him, I can see that he never intended to work with me in the direction I wanted to take it. I even believe, he has counteracted everything I tried to do and has effectively brought all my impulses to a standstill. Therefore my ideas and plans did not gather any energy, obstacles mounted in my path. In the meantime the world has gone from bad to worse. What can I say. He has the power, the will and the know-how. My only hope is that he will become aware of his own double nature. On one side the functionary, the man, who was born into a role and conditioned by the expectations of his parents and his peers, seduced by flattery from others and egotist satisfaction from within. On the other side the simple human, who always has the capacity to step out of the role, break the power of the conditioned mind. When I met him, he was on his lowest point. The "role" was invisible and the ordinary human with his qualities was present. The more power he received from his connection with me, the more he grew into the "role" and the human, the one I love, disappeared. I am sure this was foreseeable and I did get a parallel reality stream in my mind that somewhat prepared me for the outcome. Yet, no matter from which angle I look at it, I can only agree to the unfolding of the events, as they took place. After all I had declared to spirit that I am willing to serve with everything I have. While I failed to bring about the kind of positive change that I had imagined, I succeeded in making the truth obvious. - and Krishnamurti's quote comes to mind once again: "It is necessary to see the truth about the false."
Yesterday, during a time of meditation and prayer, I understood, that the "work", I was hoping to do, or contribute to with Aquiles, is happening anyway. I saw the physical surroundings in Peru, had a clear perception of the "evil" that was generated there and emanated from there, not in detail, but as a kind of cloud. Around it I felt the presence of the "wrath of God". It had the quality of a Powerful Father, who raised his voice in a roaring sound and cut through all defenses, pronouncing the "Truth of the False". Since I have a history of Buddhist initiations, in my inner vision this wrathful manifestation took on the shape of Mahakala, the wrathful manifestation of the Buddha. Then I saw the physical shapes of the people in question, namely Aquiles and his old wife, representative of all, who belong to their pyramid. Not sure, what they consciously experienced, but in my vision I saw them bathed in the blood of their victims, the woman feeding on the bodies of her own children, Aquiles looking on, feeding on the all the pain and the anguish of their victims, the hungry and oppressed humanity. It was a gruesome scene. I understood the nature of divine punishment, which is nothing but the closure of the karmic cycle of cause and effect. -
During the night, in my dreams I was in a house with many friends. We knew that a war was going on, but we seemed to believe that this war was going on in another time and we only saw the reports of this war. Then we heard the whistling of rockets, saw fiery objects flying through the air outside the windows and detonations in the room next door. Someone shouted that we should get out to save our lives. I had no fear whatsoever, but I went outside with everyone else. We were safe at all times, but I seemed to have lost my purse, a little silvery sea-shell and another object, which I cannot recall now. I kept searching for those and everything got very busy, many people, many places, but no real feeling of danger, just the feeling of having lost some important physical objects. - This dream concurs with my premonitions that my own time here is coming to an end soon. This is not bad. It is the natural unfolding of the events.
The third object was my mobile phone! :-) . But somehow, it looked like a piece of intricately woven carpet. That's why it was difficult to remember, what it was. :-) .
In the end, it seemed to become clear that the objects were not lost, but stolen. Yet they remained missing. I could not recover them.
My purse contained money, but I was not concerned about this, because I seemed to know, I had some more money elsewhere. However it contained all my papers, my identity.
I think, I did find the carpet in the end, but in the dream itself, I didn't understand that it was identical with my mobile phone. - Now I feel good about this particular detail. I interpret it as a re-ordering of my contacts. I may have lost some connections to some people, but the carpet of the ones, who are connected with me by the truth of our "real colors" has come back of its own accord, even though in a different physical appearance, even vaster than before. I also remember reasoning with myself inside the dream that I can replace my papers, even though it will cost me money, but I knew, I had enough to pay for that. - And the sea shell was easy to replace, as there are countless sea shells available. Still, a faint trace of grief about the loss kept lingering.
... and anger about the theft. That was there as well.
Just got the message about the sea shell: It is only the shell. The pearl am I.
Thanks to whoever sent me this image! <3 :-)
So, all is well! - and I am crying again. This frail human emotional heart. I am 61 years of age, my mind is like a fortress, but I FEEL like a little, lost girl.
About meditation and more detail on the previous vision:
Meditation is not an active process. It comes to you of its own accord and people usually resist it and construct many diversions for their minds to take them off the contents that the spontaneous meditation delivers to their mental door steps. Meditation happens for everyone. Meditation can be upsetting, unsettling, frightening, but what do you expect? Meditation is the looking into the mirror of ones own creation. It just happens and if you have a history of avoiding it, it will not come on gentle paws but with the roar of a lion. But then again, you say this is not meditation, because you also have made an image in your mind about what meditation should be like. - Keep on doing this and you will make things go from bad to worse. Better listen up and face the music.In practical terms: The spontaneous meditation for Aquiles and his old wife would have been to consciously perceive themselves in the scene that I saw happening yesterday. It happened. I saw it. It was not a visualisation, but a vision. I agree that I empowered it, I gave it energy, but it had it's own reality. I observed them closely and even saw them reacting to the situation. At first they seemed unaware, drifting into the scene carried by their own dreams of power and grandeur. The woman was swallowing greedily, but Aquiles only watched her until she suddenly became aware of tearing away at the flesh of a human corpse, then the fact that this corpse was a child and in the end that it was her own child. Only at this point she was gripped by horror, she shrieked and fled the scene, vomiting and crazed like a mad woman. She withdrew into a kind of bubble, like into the center of her own creation, her womb, her cosmic egg and she shrieked and wailed, thrashed about in there. At other times cowering quietly. - Aquiles tried within his own mind to put the blame on her and on his own parents until he came face to face with the fact, that he himself had enjoyed the feelings of power and superiority, he had even enjoyed the feeling of making other people suffer and he could not avoid the truth, that he was as much a creator of this pattern as any other person of his ancestry, who had participated in creating it. There is no before and after on this level. It makes no difference, who did it first and who did it at a later stage. What happened to him after this, I did not see. But at one point he was thrown by the arm of Mahakala into the bubble that contained his old wife. It looked a bit like a sperm entering a female egg. Then a lot of stuff happened in there and I saw many people in there, in the end, it seemed to look almost like the world we are living in, but not quite. Then the vision stopped. - Or I stopped it, because at that point I started to feel, as if the whole things was trying to swallow me. I had doubts about watching this scene from the beginning. I would have had the choice to remain centered within Mahakala, who was the protective male power around me. But it seemed to be appropriate that I should go outside and watch. Anyway, I broke it off at this certain point.
I can only guess at what their dreams and ceremonies are like at this stage. I have no idea, if they are still able to shield themselves from it. As I know the medicine, the sacred vine of mother Ayahuasca, she will be relentless. But they are a big group of people and they support one another. They have plenty of hiding places all around the world, in the multitude of their unsuspecting followers, the participants of their ceremonies.
Revelations are tumbling into my mind like chunks and clusters of long overdue movie releases. - The main topic is the belligerence of men, the enmity, the fights and killings between brothers, starting from Kain and Abel, over Esau and Jacob, Joseph and his brothers, King Saul and King David, further down the ages, between Sunni and Shia, between Muslims and Christians, between tribal men or civilized men on all continents. I just received a presence from the mind, that looks upon all this history with the mind of the father, whose heart is broken and hardened by the scars that those wars have created within him, his desire and need to educate his sons and his obvious inability to do so, his despair about himself, as the male aspect, his sacrificial effort to purify his creation, his quest for rules and laws, that should bring peace, but failed to accomplish this, his reluctance to shed part of the responsibility and hold the women to account, whom he adores and loves beyond description, right up to the creation of the SS and ISIS as his divinely ordained executioners and once again the abuse of the noble task and the descent into blood lust and sadistic actions, not to speak of the political and tactical maneuvering on the part of his other line of sons. He has descended into a personality that he himself despises and he is like a mad man, bloodying his own head by running relentlessly against a wall, somehow preferring his own destruction, because he cannot bear himself any longer. - There is no voice of wisdom within the mind of man. Wisdom is the job of the woman. He has been deceived and this is harder for him to comprehend and to admit than anything else. The narrative of Him the Almighty, the Omniscient, the All Powerful is the deceptive narrative of his bad female companion, who knew very well her own power, but pretended to be as an empty vessel, only there to bring forth his creation, without any input of her own. She groomed his ego and thereby defeated temporarily her own most hated foe, the true female divinity, who knows herself to be one of many and would never aspire to be superior to any of her good sisters. She elevated herself by proclaiming her own inferior station. - Her "wisdom" became the law and she is the source of the corruption. She is known as Mary, the mother of God, and she indeed has created this evil dominion. Under her guidance the mind of the Father was alienated from his sons, who were pitted against each other, playing out her rivalry, her jealousy, her insatiability and her quest for absolute dominance. - Her existence has forced me into this world, has driven me from one misery into another misery in many, many life times. Right up to this present life, which has been the most comfortable and protected life I ever experienced, but still has made me suffer more than most people can begin to imagine. The heart suffers without any traces on the outside and most people are scared to feel deeply enough to join me in my sorrow. - Yet, my hopes still rest on him, the vastness of his amazing mind and the depth of his consciousness, his ability to be present in whatever circumstance, see and hear whatever he puts his focus on. I trust him to be great enough to step out of the humiliation of his pride, break the pattern of his own conditioned mind, understand the nature and the power of the evil woman and arrive at the simple dignified humility of man. I wish so much, he could rest his tortured soul in the care of my wisdom.
I know that not many people like, what I say or write. Over the course of my life, I have been thrown out of homes, groups, work places, flatting situations, all in all I counted them up today. This happened 27 times. The pattern always starts with the very good first impression I seem to make on people, they become enamored with me and pin hopes on me, want to instrumentalise me for their own plans and designs. The trouble is, that I never am able to notice beforehand, what will make them upset with me, but they inevitably get upset with something I say in good faith and with the best of intentions. There was a period, when I stopped speaking altogether and in this time I got thrown out for being a "non-person", not having a "personality", not participating or not responding to their expectations of me. Of course, I was searching for the fault within myself and I did a lot of self-discovery to become more aware and more truthful, more genuine, more loving, more helpful, more skillful as a counselor and healer. But this did not change the pattern, it made it even more drastic. The honey-moon periods in the beginning became even more intense and the crashes more sudden and traumatic for me, since they invariably came as responses to something I said or did from the best of my intention. I got mobbed, robbed, raped and dropped by very many "good friends". Again, I counted those today and arrived at a total figure of 73 times.
I never had a habit of complaining, I fall down and I get back up and start all over again. I am used to crying by myself and deal with my feelings in private. This has been my habit. It worked well and has given me much insight and communication with the unseen world of energies and spiritual guidance. It also gave me trust in the seemingly unlimited source of energy inside that seems to renew itself, as soon as I have released the traumatic feelings and made my peace with the people, understanding their particular situations and feeling grateful for the learning that I received from the interaction. It has also opened more and more the inner door to knowledge, which is the source of my knowledge of God, which is the knowledge of myself.
However the experience with Aquiles has broken this ability to renew myself and now I am a wailing woman, peddling her pain in public to the embarrassment of myself and others. The only sense I can make of it, is that I need to share my thoughts, feelings and insights with others. So I do it, even though, as I said, I am aware that not many people want to hear it. The mind that speaks from within me has always been that same mind and it seems to be so very different and upsetting to other people. What can I do? - I cannot be another, I can only be myself, yet, over the time of my life I can clearly see, the more I become myself, the less other people want to tolerate me, let alone join me or help me. So, what can I do? I can accept it, understand it, see it in the historical context.
Therefore I have been dropping my inhibitions and share without shame. Especially, I believe I have learnt things about God and I need to share those things. In the human world we, the ones created in the image of God, can either manifest as male or as female, but not in the gender neutral aspect. In the spiritual world God exists predominantly in the gender neutral form, but within it are the male and the female aspects also present and operational. In the human world the gender neutral form is best realised within marriage, within the unity of male and female. But even within any single person, man or woman, the gender neutral aspect can be realised as well. This requires the inner understanding of the opposite sex. Men need to clearly understand the woman within and women need to understand the man within. In practical terms, men need to understand that the voice of wisdom is conditioned by their mothers and as long as they have not transcended this, they are helpless victims of their conditioned mind. Women need to understand their own strength and capacity for action, as long as they have not transcended the pattern of their father, they remain caught in the repetition of whatever their fathers did, be it confrontation or aggression or cowardice. When people become aware of these patterns they become really able to make good marriages. In a good marriage there is mutual surrender. This is not meant sexually but psychologically. A woman will honor, love, respect and enjoy her husbands strength and proactive nature. A man will do the same for his woman's wisdom and intelligence. Even more, surrender means the recognition of needing each other, allowing the feeling of dependency, allowing the feeling of being incomplete without the other, a certain helplessness, being at the mercy of the other and the trust to be safe in the care of the other. This is the real surrender and it needs to be mutual. It can only unfold inside a committed and monogamous relationship. It also can only grow in an atmosphere that does not ascribe all the qualities to one partner and imagining the other partner as an empty field, just there for reproducing the qualities of the One. Yet this false teaching has been the trick whereby the evil competitive woman has elevated herself over her sisters and achieved dominion over men and by extension the entire world. This was and is the trick, whereby men are lured into false ego, pride and dominance, giving the subservient woman the advantage. This is the corrupt wisdom of the scriptural teachings in many of the religions and the source of this corruption is woman, not man. That is the point I am making.
More about God - (and about the enemy of God): The only way we can get to know God is by getting to know ourselves. The human being is a talisman of God. These are not empty words. There are two different types of law. One is the inherent laws of nature that govern the interaction of the elements, the interplay of energy and matter, the unfolding of creation. The other type of law are the contracts we have entered, like the special status of the human species within creation, that has given us dominion over other life forms or the promise of free will. These are not natural laws but contracts. Natural laws will not be changed, but contracts can be changed.
Another example of a contract is the bestowing of blessings, the transferring of power to one son, for example, and the advantage this son will have over the other. These promises have been given by God and God keeps promises well beyond human imagination. These contracts will be changed. This is true and therefore we may see an unexpected change in our reality. Another of these contracts is the power of marriage, which binds a woman to her husband according to the divine verdict, that the desire of the woman shall be for her husband. This can also be cancelled. Another contract is the creation of humans by sexual intercourse and birth. This is not the only way human beings or even animals can be created. All life forms can also be created by direct cooperation of the elemental forces as described in the scriptures: "made from clay and enlivened by the breath of God." or they can be created by virgin birth without the participation of a man.
God is justice and justice is God. Only a just mind can understand God. Justice leads directly to a voluntary limiting of one's own actions, a deliberate boundary for one's own power in favor of the other. Justice flows from love and respect. God is love, God is justice. God respects creation well beyond the imagination of ordinary human beings. Only a human being, who understands love, respect and justice will understand the limits that God places upon herself and upon her own actions.
Understanding God means understanding oneself. Every human is a unity and a duality. As a unity we are beyond gender, as a duality we are made of a male and a female part. Understanding oneself means to know, what aspects of ourselves are male, what aspects of ourselves are female and what aspects are beyond gender. Language and wisdom come from our female aspect, energy and action come from our male aspect, creativity flows from our unified, gender-independent aspect. The language and the wisdom that has created our scriptures have come from the female aspect of God. She is talking, not He.
Corruption and deception within the scriptures have also come from the female aspect. Satan, the deceiver, is the evil female aspect. It is a She, who is misguiding humanity, just as it is the wisdom of woman, which can rectify this deception.
Action and energy are the male aspect.
Violence and lust is the evil male aspect.
The marriage of the evil male and the evil female is the source of an evil creation. Even though this creation exists, it has a limited time span. Evil creation has no substance of its own, but it has "stolen" the substance, it has been entrusted with the substance by God and has abused it. We are now living in the time, when this time of evil creation comes to its end and the substance will be withdrawn from it. The creator is calling creation back to its true source. The details of this process is the awakening of human supreme understanding in detail. Therefore we are debating all these things. For we need to understand within ourselves, how we are personally responsible for contributing to evil, as men, as women and as gender-independent creative personalities.
The evil of men is easily detected. By its own nature it is out there in the open for all to see. It cannot be hidden and therefore the judgement on it is easy. The evil of women is hidden. Otherwise it would not be deceptive and it is deceptive because it is hard to detect, even impossible to detect by man alone without the help of female superior wisdom. Only a woman can successfully identify and remove the veil from female evil. This should make sense. This doesn't mean that men are unable to understand it. It is the same process as within the natural and divine interplay: Woman creates wisdom and man creates the application of wisdom, puts it into action.
So, I will give an indictment of the female devil, my charter of accusation before the throne of judgment against the evil within my own gender:
"First and foremost she has elevated herself above her sisters by pretending to be inferior, hiding her true power, denying the existence of her true power and creating a false image of God within the minds of men.
She has created and fostered the male ego by portraying herself as an empty vessel, only there for receiving and bringing forth the creation of man.
She has ascribed all her own power to the male, thereby inflating his ego and at the same time dis-empowering her own gender, dis-empowering the female God.
She is the woman, who flatters her sons, the overly dedicated mother, who binds her sons to herself.
She dominates them with her desires "for their own good" - as she makes everyone believe successfully.
She is the ambitious mother, who pushes her sons into the rat-race of accomplishments and competition with his brothers, creating a hierarchy of favoritism.
She is the ambitious wife, who counsels and threatens her husband into accumulating material advantages for the sake of "the family" to the detriment of economic justice for all.
She is the clever mother, who finds for her daughters the most powerful and promising husbands and manipulates marriage contracts to that effect.
She is the ambitious virgin, who uses her body like a capital investment to position herself into the most illustrious families on the planet.
She is the wife, who is "tolerant" of her husbands outside sexual relations, or polygamy in order to successfully win the favor of men and hide her own lack of true love. Therefore she cannot maintain her sexual energy, she becomes frigid as a wife, but she tries to pass this off as a virtue, pretending to be pure and above the inferior sexual nature of true loving men and women.
She is the quick-acting woman, who seduces men without them realising that they are being seduced.
She is the devoted subservient mother, who spoils her sons and renders them unfit for a marriage with a self-confident woman, who could never be happy in a relationship with such a spoiled man.
She fosters male pride, so that men should not surrender to female wisdom.
On the other hand she blames all evil on men.
She will never admit her own responsibility for the ego-driven actions of her male entourage, she makes them feel guilty and watches them punish each other and themselves for the actions, she herself has inspired. But she maintains her innocent role and portrays herself as the suffering mother, turning her eyes up to heaven in a display of false piety.
She alienates her sons from their fathers, drives wedges between the brothers and still pretends to be the victim of the evil nature of man.
She is Eve, she is Sarah, she is Rebecca, she is Rachel, she is Mother Mary and she is any other woman, who fits this description. She is legion. She is the multi-headed hydra.
She is the most ardent prosecutor of homosexual love between her sons, because homosexual love directly threatens her unquestioned dominance over her male dependents.
She is the moralistic prosecutor of her own sisters, the victims of rape and the victims of poverty, who sell their bodies for their survival.
She is the first one to throw the stones on her sisters body.
She loves her role as the Lady of the house, giving her sisters a hard time, pressing them into servitude or throwing them into the gutter, if they dare to rebel.
She is the liar and she is the deceiver. She has torn the pages from the book of life that speak of the lives and suffering of her good sisters. She has hidden the records, that are missing from the scriptures.
She is loudly lamenting, whenever things are not going her way or a good sister is coming close to calling her bluff, she is complaining and playing helpless to win the protection of men. She wails and sobs in public tearing at the heart-strings of good men. She knows how to use her tears and this is perhaps her greatest power.
Her motivation is greed and competition is the tool for satisfying her greed. She directs her sons and husbands to generate the will for the unequal accumulation of wealth by exploiting others and she will condone the injustice and call it "unavoidable" or justify it with all sorts of excuses to calm the conscience.
Under her guidance the values have become distorted. Lying and cheating, manipulating and censoring have become minor transgressions. Yet God is the truth and all these actions kill the truth, so they should be considered as actions of murdering God. On the other hand the action of killing a human being has become the single most grievous transgression in certain cases, while it is condoned in the name of honor or of the state. But death is not real, it is an illusion. It creates the pain of separation, therefore it is a bad action, but in reality the existence of an individual does not stop with death.
On the other hand, if the truth becomes unknown, hidden before the perceptive minds, all truthful voices silenced, slandered, ridiculed, prohibited, contradicted and confused, what will happen to humanity? - When people do not even dare to think "forbidden" thoughts, how can God reach humanity? The truth still exists and there will be some other worlds, some other dimensions, where life can unfold, but what will happen to our earth and our humanity? -
Under the guidance of the deceiver we have become used to forgive easily the things that really threaten our survival, but other things, like for example homosexuality, wrong type of clothing, wrong type of joking, the theft of food or money by a poor man are punished in the hardest way. Theft on the grand scale however has been legalised with an intricate web of laws and treaties and goes unpunished.
The hand that rocks the cradle, rocks the world. - And any man, who knows himself, also knows that the radiant smile of the lady of his heart or the praise of his mother are the prime motivators of his actions and fill him with the energy to live his life. If the leading ladies of this world would be really good women, we would have economic justice, peace and prosperity in a very short time."
Layers of stories are being peeled back.
About four weeks ago, during times of mental rest without any particular focus, I twice had in short succession the name "Atahualpa" drop into my mind. So I researched the history and accepted the possibility that Atahualpa is one of the beads on the necklace of incarnations around Aquiles. After all, I remember him, when we were walking up to Cuszco, beaming and talking about visiting his TaiTai, his grand ancestor.
The mother of Atahualpa was a native of Quitos. Iquitos is the place where Aquiles recently rejoined his old wife.
After having written my indictment against the dark and evil side of female consciousness, I thought, I was through with it. But now another chunk of story pressed into me.
Three questions arose:
1) Why did Atahualpa trust the Spaniards, giving them vast amounts of gold and silver? -
2) Why did he have such vast amounts of precious metal in the first place?
3) Why was he killed regardless and not protected by the spiritual station, he believed himself to hold?
1) The Spaniards were Christians. Aquiles knows that Jesus is also one of his previous incarnations, even though I had the impression, he didn't really know, what to make of it. He told me at one time, that he does not really see much sense in the Christian version of God and in his own inner world he finds divinity and God-consciousness in his communication with the plant doctors, the trees of the Amazon. Yet he admitted this Jesus-connection to me, when I finally asked him directly towards the end of my last stay in Peru. But I had seen qualities in his demeanor from the beginning, which had led me to the conclusion that he at least has reached this level of consciousness within himself. This was the direct cause for my willingness to give money for building a healing house and subsequently the cause for the ever deepening love, I felt for him, independently of any personal relationship. After the sexual component was added, I was completely at his mercy. - Observing him as a man however, served me to comprehend some important little details: The truth about any of the illustrious personages, we know from history is not, what we are told about them, but what they are in the "Here and Now". This truth may differ considerably from the abstract spiritual "Christ-consciousness", that is made up by the community of humans, who have been inspired by the teachings and that has somehow acquired an almost independent existence. - Atahualpa can be expected to also have known his previous incarnation and he may have expected to be honored for it. In turn, the experience of his murder would have led to confusion and distancing of his mind from the entire complexity of the Christian story.
2) Gold and silver are not only precious in terms of money. The monetary value is their inferior aspect. The major function of gold and silver is their alchemical value, the role they play in the secret science of the Gods, the interplay of the elements, the creation of life. Jesus/Atahualpa belong to the cast of Sun-Gods and they have connections to interstellar civilizations. Therefore we find these precious metals in all indigenous cultures, who also know themselves to be connected in this way. Gold, as a trace metal in the human body is the most important carrier of energy and is directly related to our hormones, especially the sex hormones. Silver is the prime activator of the immune system, shielding us from diseases.
3) He was killed not despite his spiritual station but because of it. He was used and done away with. The lady was only after the goods. He would have been an obstacle, given the lofty ideas in his mind. This came as a surprise to him and therefore his own mother would have had to be party to the plot. Being born a princess, she would have known beforehand, but she knew to keep her mouth shut, pretending ignorance. This ties in with the myth of the "empty vessel", the inferior station of woman. One of the things Aquiles told me over and over again in defense of his old wife: She is not educated, she has no knowledge. Once he asked me, why all his efforts to purify her energy are only working for a short while. She sat next to him, when he asked that with a bland expression in her face. I replied, that no amount of purification can overrule a persons own free will. Then I looked at her and her pupils gave me the most terrible sensation. I got a fright and began to tremble, before I could even think. At another time I saw her doing bad magic in real life, not in a vision. I also saw her in my visions and she is well versed in everything, but obviously equally well versed in hiding her knowledge.
So my charter of accusation has to be extended:
She is the ruthless mistress, who throws her sons into the battles she wages for the sake of her own dominion.
Her allegiance is to her own kind only and to the quest for unimaginable wealth. The sparkle in her eyes is kindled by naught save the thought of riches and power, but spells death to each and any son or daughter, easily sacrificed on the altar of her desire.
And finally the personal side of this layer: I always wondered, why Aquiles had the heart to take everything from me and yet not honor me, not giving anything back. He is not a man without conscience, but in this case he seemed to be. - The foundation of our wealth here in Europe has been created by our royal houses and expanded on by our political class. It is true, I personally am a beneficiary of their past crimes, because I was born here. The thought that my interaction with Aquiles may have served to quench the fire of an unpaid karmic debt feels uplifting to me. Something has been settled and my heart feels lighter than before.
Looking at the story in the total context, however, I have not only paid for the debts of the European royal houses and politicians, but also for the debt of the bad women in his life, his own mother and his own spouse. This may be a result and a success of practising the Tibetan Chod. Only good can come from it.
I am getting a sense of the Old Law, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. It seems to say, that debts against men cannot be forgiven, as if something deep inside the man must always remember and the fire of injustice must be quenched with penance of some sort. But in the reverse situation, when a man commits injustice against a woman, we can forgive it, because we have this capacity. It is real. I feel it inside me. I wish so much, that his mind can find rest soon.
It is not at all easy for men. I think, all a man can do in this situation is to accept and receive the penance and accept and receive the forgiveness.
If, if, if ... in all truth, if Aquiles' old wife would have been a good woman, it would have been very easy for me to work with him in a purely professional relationship, maintaining a friendship with her, being an aunt to all of their adult children and a second grandmother to the kids. Before meeting them, I had no sexual relationship with anyone for over 20 years. I had closed this part of my life, because I obeyed the directions I received in meditation, when I had asked, why am I running into the same unsuitable relationships over and over again. While it is true, that many people turned away from me, my various sexual partners did not. It has always been me, who left them, because I cannot be mistreated. I was used to being single and I was not looking for a sexual relationship. I would have been very happy in this role as an additional unmarried member of Aquiles' family.
... correction: there was one man, who left me. In his own words, "because I was aiming for more than he was able to handle".
Also true, I did not enjoy loneliness, but being part of his family would have taken care of this. True, I knew and admitted to myself that I would have loved a good marriage with a suitable man and had he been single, I would have accepted his very first approach towards me with great joy. But in my mind, a married man was out of bounds for me and I really had no problems respecting those boundaries, if he had respected them, there would not have been a problem.... if, if, if only. :-)
I would have loved to have her as a friend. I love women and I had a period in my life, when this love was even expressed on the sexual level. This made me understand the healing it brings for the broken trust towards one's own mother. In my life this healing had taken place and so this period ended for me. It left me with a real love and appreciation for womanhood, for myself as a woman and for other women as well. In the beginning I spent a lot of time with her, working for hours on her body, because she had pains in her joints and all sorts of physical problems. One of the first things I bought, was a washing machine, to relieve her of the need to put her hands and arms into the cold water. Her only comment was however, that the washing machine was too small. That was one of the first tangible signs of her real nature, apart from the short glimpses. -
After peeling back so many layers, I know, which layer is next and I don’t like it. It’s the one, I don’t like to look at, the one that gives me nausea, the one I don’t understand and don’t want to understand, the one, where I feel my judgment is the most severe, the one I find no excuse for, the one that makes me feel the most helpless and the most angry. I hate it. I despise it. I want to turn around and leave it forever. Perhaps my aversion is also the reason, why I misjudged the situation and went head-long into the trap. I didn’t see it, because I just don’t like to look at this issue. Would make sense. Male lust. I can’t and won’t accept that it should be so difficult to master. Male lust is the soil and the fertiliser for any female evil. Without male lust, no female evil can grow and all female evil will disappear, once male lust is mastered. But in the presence of male lust, even the tiniest spark of female evil will be fanned into the fire that destroys our earth, no matter how many good women would throw her own bodies into its path, no matter how passionately we reason, how dedicated we work, how much we suffer or sacrifice. Even if there is only one evil woman in the entire universe, male lust will find her and make her reign supreme, will spawn the face of the earth with her evil daughters.
I pray that I may be taught to understand, if I need to understand something. Why is lust more attractive than the supreme dance of love? I feel, as if male lust is a punishment to love. Perhaps it is born from a hate of woman, rather than from love. Perhaps it is a form of revenge. Perhaps that is it. If so, it surely works well.
I can see many reasons, why a man should be tempted to walk the path of revenge, if revenge is really the reason for male lust. Perhaps he was ill treated by a woman, perhaps he was punished too harshly or humiliated in his self-confidence. Perhaps he was abandoned and cast out unjustly. But descent into lust will not hurt a bad woman. It will only hurt good women. Even worse, it will hurt the man himself and his own life, his own future. It is not a solution, but it will only create more and more problems.
As I said, this is beyond my comprehension. But it is also the issue, I personally have the least problems with. Perhaps I am simply unfit to deal with this issue.
I can understand violence, but I cannot understand lust. Perhaps lust is another form of violence. Perhaps a man can suppress his violence, but the cost of this may be that he will become a victim of his lust.
Or his pride made him reject fair and just criticism, fair and just discipline - but then we are back at the corrupt narrative in his mind, which is the inheritance from a corrupt mother. A good mother will be able to guide her sons beyond false pride by nurturing their self-worth and rewarding them for their insight and surrender to her counsel without humiliating them.
So there is a vicious cycle of corrupt male and corrupt female aspects mutually enhancing and increasing each other.
We must break this cycle. Each at their own end. God and the angels may help us!
Male lust is the instrument of power that breaks up the community of women according to the principle of “divide and rule”. Even the power of corrupt motherly narratives would be overcome without this male vice. “A man will leave his mother and his father and hang on to his wife”, the quote from the Bible shows, how within marriage the healing of the old mental pattern could be accomplished, if men could only resist the lure and the power of lust and multiple sexual partners. - Instead we live in a society, where promiscuity has become the norm. People have become oversexed, yet unable to form emotional bonds. Male lust and the work of many shamans, - including movie-directors, therapists, songwriters and public figures, all of whom can be classified as “shamans” - are responsible for misguiding people into this situation. Perhaps it is their secret plan to destroy our civilization, to fight against their old enemies. If so, it works well. Children are left without the security of a stable family. I feel, as if society is like a house, from which all nails and braces have been removed and it will only take a gust of wind to make it fall down.
I don’t like looking at this situation. It is so huge. It happens everywhere. It makes me feel my helplessness more than any other aspect. People only focus on their own pleasure, their own careers, their own success and have stopped caring for anything else. That is the basis for tolerance of environmental destruction, economic injustice, the political system of oligarchy and the indolence towards cruel wars, hunger and misery “somewhere else”.
The physical body renews its material substance over the course of seven years. I had been without a sexual partner for 20 years, so I was about to complete the third cycle of renewal, when my body absorbed the physical essence of Aquiles . - Now I feel, as if I am downloading and responding to the entire contents of his consciousness without interference from any other source. My inner mirror had been cleansed and therefore I am in a position to piece his story together like a puzzle.
I could not believe that after all these years of purification and personal growth, meditation, practice and study, all the good work I did for myself and others, the love and forgiveness etc. etc. I should be in for another round of unhappiness. I could not believe it. But I had to accept, that it was so. I did not deserve it. It was not a matter of recompense for karmic debt, that I had to pay for. It was something else. This "something else" is what I am grappling with, trying to make sense of. It is a matter of the historical context and the mission, my soul must have accepted before I entered this life.
What we know from scripture is the result of our imagination. what we experience from each other is the reality as it has always been, but we never saw it and replaced it with our imaginations.
Another night of dream-battles.. I felt myself in a group of women, a good feeling of unity and mutual friendliness, no individual faces, just the sense of group. Then the picture of one woman appeared, very beautiful, dark hair and eyes, a Penelope Cruz - type, my heart went out to her and her face seemed friendly as well, not a trace of anything negative. Then I saw her, as if she was located between to commas, like in a text: , picture , - and this puzzled me, then I felt, as if she was "inserted" into the group, but should not belong, the feeling of some betrayal, some danger, I woke up sweating, breathing hard, my body full of adrenaline, like on fire. -
After going back to sleep, I saw myself in a building made entirely of glass and a swimming pool inside with hot water. Somehow my bed sheets and blankets were partially floating on the water and I pulled them out, thinking that now, I can't use them and somehow they seemed to be the sheets and blankets of my bridal bed. Then I saw a tiger walking on the footpath outside the window along the building. There was no grass, no tree, just pavement and glass, an inner city feeling, yet no cars or people, everything empty, the light was white and clinical, even the colors of the tiger were bright like in a super-exposed photo. After the tiger had walked along the side of the building, he turned round the corner and there was a huge glass door, but it was an open entrance, which could not even be shut and the tiger was not a tiger any more but a man, yet still looking like a tiger. He seemed about to come in, when I woke myself up, again full of heat and adrenaline.
The following night was mayhem. I was surrounded by all the people, who had put obstacles into my path during my life-time, I re-experienced my helplessness and my fruitless efforts to protect myself against their interference. In the end I found myself lonely and defeated, in my heart was anger and deep aversion. Then my most powerful foe pointed to this emotion in my heart and cheered about it, as if it was a sign of victory that love had been eclipsed. I said: "Considering all the power you were able to wield, your victory has no meaning..." - then I woke up and completed the sentence "...and my defeat also means nothing."
I have no trouble conceding defeat. Life is a kind of game and as a good player I will not try to hide from myself or others that I have lost. Just as in any casino there will be a new game and a new chance.
Though in this situation it may mean another body, another time, another place, another dimension.
On 13th of June, I had a massive night. I undertook a medicine journey, the first after many weeks. I had delayed it, because I had been scared. But last night I went.
First I was feeling the heart of a man, who was scared of happiness. As soon as happiness arose within him, he could only tolerate it for a short time, then he seemed to become so fearful of outside destruction of his happiness, that he destroyed it himself, in order to be in control and not suffer defeat. - Then this man turned into a young teenage boy, who had lived through countless bombing raids and the fear of happiness changed into the fear of peace. Every time the calm and quiet of peace spread out, his fears and expectation of the next attack out of the blue, started to mount and he took up his weapons and began shooting. - Then this young man multiplied into many and I saw them attacking each other in a mad paranoid state, each trying to shoot and kill, before suffering an attack that seemed to be imminent from anywhere, anytime. Then they all seemed to become aware of their inability to stop fighting and I saw their faces contorted with anguish, crying with wide open mouths and trembling. Some of them banded together, wearing black suits, walking in single file, spreading terror, but at least they were in control of the terror, but their hearts were still terrified, since they knew, that they don't have the ability to stop, they were still unable to face the fear of the quiet and calm atmosphere of peace. - Then one single powerful man took hold of the situation and told them: "All on my commando now, When I tell you "fight", you fight and when I tell you "stop", you stop." - This seemed to be the solution and they became absolutely obedient soldiers, putting all their hopes into their leader, who would know, when to stop. - In the mind of this leader seemed to be the plan to carry on with this strategy of "fight" and "stop" until no attack was happening any longer that he himself had not ordered. Yet the suspicion in his own mind did not seem to go away and in the end he was about to order a huge blast, but then stopped himself in complete desperation. - Then the focus shifted back to the opening scene and the fear of pain that seemed to make happiness and peace unbearable. I remembered the pain of frost bite, when the frozen toes thaw. Anyone, who ever experienced this knows, that this is more painful than being burnt by fire. The metaphor seemed to reach him and he listened to me. I took him with me into my childhood, showed him my frozen little feet and made him feel the pain of thawing. This pain has to be endured and there is an end to this pain. The warmth and the circulation return and once you have gone through it, you will never forget the beautiful experience, when the pain vanishes and never fear it again. - Then I saw a huge bear, whose fur had been clad with ice and before my vision the ice disappeared and within the body of the bear there were pastures with flowers and the feeling of spring, there were children laughing and playing.
Another part was one again the encounter with evil, that which I knew was going to happen and that which had made me delay the journey. With "evil" I mean the male energy that surrounds me from all sides, that makes the timber of the house move, as if it wants to dance with me, makes the bed move, as if it wants to embrace me, that charges the energy around me and within me, so that it feels like the consummation of marriage, that wants to swallow me, possess me, but on his terms, not on mine. It rather sees me imprisoned and isolated in a dungeon than free to live my life according to my will. I understood once again that I seem to exert an irresistible attraction to him and somehow he seems to hate me for it, blame me for it and feels justified in punishing me for the suffering he experiences as a result of my existence. - He soaks up every last drop of love that I am willing to give and he even listened to my arguments, my rational explanations, why I insist on monogamy and fidelity. Men can only be equal brothers, if they don't take more than one wife. We watched the scenes together. In any group of young people, there will be a man, who is the alpha-man by his energy. His friends are going to give way to him to be the first to choose a woman. He will chose the one, who is most attractive to him, but there are others, there are always others and especially after one woman has been chosen there will be some disappointed other women, doubling their efforts to replace the one. But there are also the other men observing and disenchanted. If he falls victim to his lust, which is a mixture of the lure of sex and the lure of power and domination, not only of women, but of his brothers as well, then peace and happiness will be lost. If he takes only one more woman, his radiance will increase, since he has now two fountains of energy, he becomes even more attractive, the women will naturally deny their own needs in order to remain in the competition and bend over backwards to comply with his terms. His brothers however will feel dejected and be forever relegated to second choice, inferior station. At the same time, it will become impossible to discipline and educate competitive and seductive vixens. -
However, if he only would be wise and fair, he would understand that the second woman he takes, he takes away from the brother, who waits for her. He forever destroys his brother's ability to be his equal, to feel equally radiant, equally blessed. He also destroys the happiness of his first-chosen and he destroys the future happiness of his second-chosen with the brother, who would have made her his one and only beloved. If his mind is really superior, he could shelter unmarried women in his house, supply them with the necessities of life, he could counsel and work with his brothers to coach them, so they can be equally successful and become strong providers for their families. He could win much honor and respect in his community, he would not need the dominance that comes with drinking from more than one fountain. The vision of a future society arose, happy families, powerful men and women, full of self-confidence within themselves and full of loyalty and friendship towards each other. - "This road is open to you." - Then he showed me an image of his present reality, hopping from one woman to the next and drinking alcohol to blur the memory of me. There are many good women, they are wonderful, lovable people and he can make himself love them, yet even he understood at this moment that somehow none could touch him exactly, where I had touched him. This was not a sign of any lack on their part, only a sign that they are destined to be the one-and-only for another man. It is the superior wisdom of destiny that makes it so. And of course there are innumerable vixens, who are mindlessly following the road of their own lust for competition and winning men as if they were trophies. A mutual benefit of addiction and diversion. - "In this state you are not worthy to be my man. You must make yourself worthy of me. You know, how to do this."
At this point the air began to sizzle around me, everything turned electric and he allowed me a glimpse into the secret folds of his lonely superior mind: "But then I would have to give up the things I simply love doing" - and I caught a whiff of the unrelenting will to experience more and more thrill and at the same time avoid the dreaded surrender to me. He seemed without mercy, his face white and hard with pride and self-possessed. Again I asked him: "Do you really want to elevate yourself above your fellow-men, dominate them, even though you know that this is evil and nothing but evil?" - His face turned into the laughing face of Bill Clinton and his "Yes!" permeated the space of sound and beyond sound. The entire evil company came into view, the Queen of England chuckling and remarking: "Now this was very blunt, but I suppose, we can afford it." - Their confidence to be uncontested seemed beyond description. - I felt the children within me, scared out of their minds. I pronounced over and over again the old words of warding off the devil: "Go back to where you came from!" - "Go back to where you came from!" ... "Where did he come from?" - "We don't even want to know. We don't need to know." - "Go back to where you came from!" - but the curiosity, the most dangerous of all juvenile movements of consciousness had been stirred. And sure enough, He was here in the instant. "Hmmm. You want to know, I can show you," - smart face and appearance, twinkling eyes followed by a little chilling coldness - "Yes?" - "But you know, where this road will end!" and Mahakala appeared around me, smashing with his fist into the ground one evil man after another, the children inside me listening to the sound and feeling safe in the protection of their good and powerful father. An island of safety, of paradise and once again the curiosity-mind: "Where do they come from?" - scenes, like from "The Walking Dead" and heroes fighting against villains. My own mind raced towards the end and conjured up the images: "Men fighting themselves, destroying themselves, not wanting to know that in the most bitter last moment they will knowingly destroy their own bodies, their own lives, for there is no "other", it is only ever themselves" ... but the deceiver tells them: "It's a secret. And it takes a looong time until we get there ..." in the meantime, - and women appeared, young lasses, manga-style, with terse, commanding voices, gang-leaders, - "just do, what I say ...." - why are there always some, who enter the left-hand path . Woe, woe, woe! - I threw myself into the gang of the manga-women and forced them into their own last moment, which appeared to be the sea of blood and them greedily chewing the bodies of their children, once again. - Yet, for a reason unknown to me, they still were able to keep this innermost place of horror a secret to the eyes of men. - "There is no turning back! Once you start on this road, you will end there, no matter how long you may delay its recognition!" - I held the gaze of The One and forced him into my perception, forced my perception into his mind. Yet he seemed to know of a pleasure that is beyond me, - or at least that was, what he wanted me to think and he turned from me, leaving me alone in my isolated dungeon once more. As I am writing this account the light outside has tuned a dark yellow and thunder is rolling. Rain coming down.
Hail storm now!!!
The next day: A Big thanks to everyone, who has been hanging in with me!
Also a big thank you to the wisdom that has created our consciousness in a way that permits this incredible process of learning and overcoming obstacles through rigorous application of communication, expression, reflection, meditation. We are really problem solving entities and the flexibility of our intelligence seems to be superior to any challenge.
Before any healing can occur the diagnosis has to be correct.
Life is a system of inter-dependencies that repeat basic patterns from the small to the large scale. Knowing oneself means to see oneself as made up by a multitude of interdependent parts, physically, emotionally and mentally. With this comes the recognition of the wisdom that the "Self" is an illusion. We are group, to start with. As above so below, as within so without. - We are sick, we are dying, but that is only the symptom, not the cause. Just as a sick animal falls prey to the predator, a sick species, a sick eco-system, a sick planet will die, so that life can continue.
In the past, we have been looking for the enemy outside of ourselves, we have fought battles against diseases as if they were enemies. Many people begin to understand that we need to shift our focus and transfer the battle into our consciousness, which is the collective. Individual consciousness is a contradiction in terms, it does not exist, has never existed. We are group. We mirror each other and we need to permit the un-censored, un-edited totality of "All There Is" to unfold. Then we get a good and accurate diagnosis of where we stand at any one moment. On this basis the deep creative intelligence will kick in and that is nothing short of miraculous, the divine stuff, the stuff that drives evolution.
I have been asking myself, why did destiny send me on on such a hard road? Never mind the troubles of childhood and youth, I had enough resources to move beyond them. They served me for purifying myself, for learning and understanding, for developing myself, building my character and experiencing the bliss, that comes with forgiveness, humility, insight, compassion and love. I felt blessed for being entrusted with difficult situations, for they brought me home to the home without shadow, the inner peace. I didn't go to Peru to look for answers, I was settled and centered, but I was looking for tools and collaborators to find a better way of sharing and communicating to others, what had been so helpful to myself. But now, at this late stage, why was I bashed around the head once more, in a way that seemed to drain all my resources and bring me to the point of utter defeat, not to speak of the emotional pain, that eclipsed love. - One answer: Love must learn to die. Love must learn to say: NO. Even love with its tendency to spread and encircle everything in sight must learn to stop short of pouring itself onto carriers of destructive patterns.
Another answer: I needed to experience first hand the pattern of sheer evil, which is the pattern of a psychopath or sociopath, a pattern that seems alien to the majority of people, therefore it is so hard to comprehend, but it nevertheless exists and the diagnosis cannot be accurate without it. - In this light, it all seems to make sense and I can see that from an early age, I had been prepared to face this challenge.
There is this saying: Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I don't believe this to be true for each and every person. In fact the majority of people will not fall into this trap, but it is the description of the path of evil, the path of the psychopaths, who have gone down the left-hand path and have thereby drifted into the ruling positions here and, I believe, in a multitude of extra-terrestrial civilizations as well. This is the basis for their uncontested grip on humanity. We never had a chance. They have achieved a mastery that allowed them to re-incarnate at will, thanks to the All-Seeing-Eye of the Shaman, the digital-biological interface of advanced technology and the heroic efforts of a voluntary human sacrifice, that promised resurrection and everlasting life. Thereby they have constructed "Maya", the labyrinth of never ending suffering, the wheel of birth and re-birth in a state of confusion and hellish suffering.
And yet, their time is limited and they will fail to dominate life forever. How exactly this will be accomplished, I don't know, there are many possibilities and many sentient beings in many dimensions will cooperate.
Have you seen the report of the Peruvian school children in Tarapoto?
The problem started on April 29, six days after I cut ties with Aquiles. When I saw the images I felt the energy of the event. I began to shake and was thrown into a memory from my childhood, when I experienced the exact same thing.
You can find it on google: Possession schoolchildren Tarapoto Peru.
In short: The devil is on the loose and he is hungry.
The devil has many faces. He was expecting to feed in Europe, but this plan was thwarted in the last minute. So he went on a rampage.
My whole life seems to be interwoven with this issue. It is the battle with the devil, in whose existence no one believes any more, but who also exists in the concrete manifestation just as God manifests concretely in human beings. I had a grandmother, whose parents had still been nomads and had bought a small property in the Oberpfalz with money from the bank. They had been shepherds, traveling the Danube valley from the Black Sea to Germany and back. When my grandmother told the old folk tales, it would happen regularly that a howling wind whistled around the house and the window shutters would bang and rattle. She then said: "Now he rumbles again, the old fellow." - Her presence reassured me, though I still felt her fear. Together we read her large picture Bible and so I understood the power of goodness, the power of God, worthy of the name, because this energy was the protective shield against which the "Old Fellow" was powerless. This formed the basis of my faith in God and my courage.
At all times of my life I had dreams of and with the devil. But because I had realized early on that he can not get me as long as I stay good, honest and God-trusting, a veritable dialogue ensued.
Here a piece, which I wrote about a year ago: "In our universe we have the physical manifestation of a phenomenon that had not materialised in the parental universe, we manifested "the fall". In our parental universe physical life happens on a disc, is less dense than in our universe, has a central vortex, a vacuum, that is inside a tree. The tree is inside a garden...The whole thing is embedded into a kind of watery sphere, a cosmic ocean, which is surrounded by fire. The people living there have the same consciousness as we do, except they have no forgetfulness and are aware of their creative powers. Our universe was created by one person from there and this person has since been given the authority over our universe. Even though many other people from there have come here, none of them has competed against the one, who created this universe, except for one: the devil, and another one: the girl of his dreams, the woman after his heart, I call her the shevil. Those two have become the root of a counter-creation, a horde of hell-spawn, devastating our planet and who knows what not. All life-forms are interlinked through family ties according to their attributes. The god-people are like brothers and sisters, who never rebel against their parents, even though they have just the same capabilities. So the parents have their court of royal plants and animals and the brothers and sisters have their court of lesser plants and animals. They came into being through this interaction of the creative mind with the elemental forces. The person, whose pursuit of ever greater thrill made him into the "devil" had succeeded to dominate the elementals through his superior intelligence and trickery, driven by his insatiability. This led to a destabilisation of the parental universe, because he had managed to seduce the entire male aspect. The parental universe literally burst and "the fall" happened, the birth of this universe with a globe as our new home, our planet earth. In the parental universe, it was easy to discern good and bad. Light energy is rising up, heavy energy is sinking down. The people, who had mastered the empty mind, the surrender of ego, could enter the inner circles around the tree, close to the central vortex, the others were carried off towards the periphery. At the point, when the purification of our parental universe was due, when enough males had realised their "honest" mistake and wanted to disengage from it, others forced the burst and escaped their "court case". Due to the round shape of our globe, the old ordering system did not function anymore. Good and evil people got mixed up and no-one knew anymore who was who. This was our problem."
All throughout my life I have seen variations of the following, the devil appearing in front of the Last Judgment: "In the end the devil is always doing sums, either he is counting days and there are some times just not accounted for, or money, that he “lost” because he bribed someone and doesn't want to say it, or bought something awful with it, or he is counting his body parts and there seem to be some missing, or he is getting too thin, not having enough substance. I have seen this so many times. When he stands in judgment, he sweats and chews his pencil and calls for his old mother to help him write his account. She then finds a way to help him tell the truth and he gets terribly red in the face. He gets more and more furious and descends through a kind of chimney into the fire and through the fire into lead. There he gets stuck. But when he finds help from his female colleague he gets back out again."
When I was about 25 years old, I had a vision, where I was dancing Tango with the devil. I felt that he was desiring me and I was able to control him by the strength of his desire for me. It was, as if this was my way of subduing him. But I also felt the strong attraction that emanated from him and I knew, I could only survive this fight, if I was able to control my desire. This is in a nutshell the pre-cognition of my relationship with Aquiles - and the basis of my insight in a morality that will keep us safe, happy and alive. I had this awareness as a parallel reality all along and I believe, I have mastered the test, even though it took more energy from me than I thought, I was able to generate. I am completely exhausted. This is the truth and if I wouldn't receive help, death would be all that I can wait for. I could die in peace. My job is finished.
But life is greater than death, reality is more marvelous than human scheming, the community of God-souls is vast. I am open for a new wind and, so God will, my life will see another chapter, another meaningful purpose. When I read about plans for a peace-convoy to Moscow in August, I felt I could join this project, driving my VW-van. Yet - and this is new and scary for me - in order to get ready for it, I need very physical, practical help, getting my small hut renovated and the section cleared. I also need money, for the Peruvian drama has emptied my bank account. My family will not help me, I already asked. Without outside help, I have no perspective. That is the reality.
thank you for reading through this. :-)
Copy of an open letter to all my Shipibo contacts: These are the details of my experience with one of the Shipibo Shamans. I believe this is not an isolated incident. This type of story happens often, it is the way you Shipibos work. The difference is that I have been a master of meditation before I arrived in Peru. Therefore I could not be swept away by the power of the experience and my own conduct has been pure and clean. Not many women are able to master the seduction. I did and therefore I am calling you to account before God and humanity. You are not helpers but vultures. The desolate state of the world is a testimony to your evil influence. You are the masters and you are bad.
The people of your culture are powerful. Your masters are the same as the pharaohs of Egypt, the priests of Jerusalem and the prophets of the great world religions. Your minds have dominated the mind of humanity forever. You are the kings. Your law rules the world. Your character dominates human consciousness. Your evil is the evil that destroys the earth. In our days you are poor and you hate it. You believe you deserve wealth and comfort because you are so powerful. But the laws of time have hit you with your own sword. Your own greed and cruelty have come back to you in the form of the conquistadores, in the form of American imperialism and in the form of an economic system that makes you experience the results of your own injustice. You do not like it and you want to take revenge. But you make everything go from bad to worse. Nobody is powerful enough to stop you. So you can celebrate your power until you have destroyed yourselves and everyone else. How great you are, indeed. Nobody can match your power. You are invincible. How wonderful for you.
Aquiles was bound to a bad wife, when I met him and afterwards he thanked me for the miracle of liberating him. In some sense the wife is the master of the husband. It is the rules of the wife that create the structure of the marriage and the energy in the family. In your family, there is the rule of injustice, of envy, of competition. The children are jealous of each other and all are ruled by the hierarchy of, who is the favorite of the lady of the house. It is the most unhappy and destructive of all family patterns. The members of your family are not free to speak their mind, they are not even free to think their own thoughts, because your thoughts are open to each other and whoever opposes the mistress will be punished in a way, only she knows how to dish out. Anyone opposing her is left out, will not receive money and will be treated worse than a dog. Such is your reality. These are the Hunger Games. This is the mind that creates poverty. This is not the conduct of a mother. This is a demon, an evil and ambitious whore, who will not stop at nothing to make everyone suffer or obey her and do her will. Aquiles has played the same game with me. He tried to make me desire him more than he desired me. But this did not work, because I am a master of my own energy. I have felt desire for him but I cannot be made dependent, because I am free and I can control my desire. I believe this was the reason, why he desired me so much, why my energy attracted him so much. There was nothing I did to attract him. I did not send my energy towards him. And because of this, I believe, he felt such an attraction for me and he wanted me, because there was and is stillness within me. In this stillness there is an unlimited source of energy. This energy he wanted even more than the money. Tapping into my source of energy has given him new life, has made him more powerful in his work. But it has now become clear that he failed to honor me for my gifts. He stole from me and did not give anything back. He wanted to make me hungry for him, make me dependent on him, so that he could control me. I had this suspicion earlier, but I was not sure. I always thought there may be other reasons, why he cannot let his love flow freely. I thought, this might change, once his family entanglement has been resolved. Now the picture is clear. He has used the same hunger game strategy and therefore, he and his old demon wife may be the true suitable partners for each other. He is as much a demon as she is.
Copy of my message to Aquiles about the worst part of the experience for me personally: “I never approached you sexually. You approached me. Not only once but three times. It was you, who desired me and I told you clearly BEFORE the very first time that I am not interested in casual sex, but I am interested in a relationship, in companionship, in spending the life time together. I asked you, not to have sex with me. I begged you to desist. But you disregarded my words and simply took me. The same happened the second time. I had told you very clearly that I am a one-man-one-woman-woman. And the same happened the third time, when you made a marriage vow to me. I believed you. But I am only a gringa and obviously it is not necessary to be honest to gringas. Believing you was my mistake. But you humiliated me and lied about me. For the public eye you constructed and maintained the picture of a lecherous and sex-crazed gringa, who is after the attractive Shaman like the devil after a poor soul.”
By agreeing to be his wife, I had freed him from this bad master, of his previous wife. He could have accepted to live according to my rules. He did not want this. He could have been a free man after I cut our relationship. He could have decided to fight for me, to win me back. But he didn’t. This last action of getting back to his old marriage has completed the picture for me. My human heart has suffered terribly, but only people with a heart can imagine this. My spirit is relieved. I have torn the veil from the face of the devil. There is no Christ. There is only Antichrist and everything else is falsehood and pretense. The Judgment Day has seen the evidence.
I think it was my job to discover the truth about those very powerful people. They are at the center of their own ancient culture, they are the sun-gods and they have great influence in the entire creation. I feel as if I was like a detective, who needed to find the culprit of the spiritual crimes that have been like curses in the mind of humanity. Their influence is vast. All the great religions and all the wars and conflicts are results of their power games.
It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and I feel exhausted but well. I had been trained in many ways beforehand and I only understand now, why I had to learn and study so much. I needed all my training to be able to accomplish this task.
I think the main part of the job was to have a proof of their actions. I have experienced first hand, how they act. Therefore I can now say with confidence that they have no reason to complain about their history, even though they had very bad experiences with the conquistadores. But they were cruel and power crazy before. They have no reason to feel better than anyone else. They are not poor victims. This is my message to them and they cannot escape this truth. This was my job.
Something about the power of deception and the power of knowledge. Shipibos are famous in the world now for their ability to deceive people with their stories and lie with perfection. Their own use of the sacred medicine often has the purpose of spying on others to find out, if someone is trying to deceive them. This has become their idea of knowledge and power.
This is very unfortunate for them. It leads directly to a system of hierarchy, where the greatest deceiver wins the top position and the most innocent and trusting person lands at the bottom.
Quite early in my connection with Aquiles, I was faced with this situation and I made a conscious decision to never try and pierce the deception against the will of anyone. This has several reasons. First, I have a history of being the victim of deception. My own daughter has continuously stolen from me and lied to me. When she was about 6 years old, this had become clear. As her mother, I knew that the image I hold in my mind about her will become the framework for her personality. If I accept her deceiving nature as reality, I will contribute to locking her into this role. But I wanted to keep the door open for her to become a better person. Therefore I deliberately wiped all suspicion and negative expectation for the future after every single incident. I always held her in my mind as the person I wanted her to be, rather than as the person she was. I knew that I was making myself very vulnerable and in the many years after, I suffered heartache after heartache, because she maintained her habit of lying and deceiving. Every time, she did this, I suffered, as if she had done it the first time, because after every incident, I made myself believe that she would never do it again. When she was about 15 years old, she had become so perfect, that I was unable to know, if she was telling the truth or if she was lying. At this point, I set her free and looked at her as an adult, not as my child any longer, who is in my care and under my protection. When I was faced with the lying and deceiving habit of the Shipibos, I knew that I would do the same as for my daughter. I am an educator first and foremost and I am prepared to sacrifice everything in order to improve the character of the people I meet in my life. Another reason for my attitude is my respect for the free will of others. If someone wants to deceive me, I will not stop them. I give everyone the chance to be, who they want to be. I see no value in forcing people to be truthful or good. If they don’t do it from their free will, it has no value. I have no interest to live in a society, where good conduct has to be enforced. I want to live in a world, where people are good from their own free will. Therefore I allow people to do as they choose. However the story does not end here. This was only the first chapter.
The second part is the separation. After people have had the chance to freely choose their actions, I choose to either let them be part of my world or to separate from them. In this way, I intend to create a future for myself that is free of all people of bad will. My vision for heaven on earth, for life everlasting, for a sustainable and happy future can only be based on a community of people, who are good out of their own accord. Only those people are really trustworthy. Everything else is not attractive to me. Perhaps the saddest part of lying and deceiving is the effect it has on the culprit himself. I noticed this with my daughter and the same I now feel from Aquiles. The more they are able to get away with their lies, the less they are able to respect and love me. They see me as stupid and helpless and they think, I am a person of small power and knowledge. So they are actually separating themselves from me long before I decide to separate from them. The heartache of all this is immense. But only a person with a heart could possibly imagine and understand it.
One of the most useful things I learnt in my life is to allow any degree of emotional storms rage through my system, while keeping my mind balanced in the state of witnessing the truth of whatever is happening and my heart in the state of surrender, unconditional acceptance, allowing emptiness and fullness to play their rhythms in free flow. - Apart from the direct benefits of healing to myself, it also has generated many insights. Those insights appear almost like footnotes to the main story, like commentaries to the script. One of those, - the one I woke up with this morning after yet another night of battle - is about sanity and insanity: Sanity is the natural state. Insanity is the result of resistance to it. When people witness emotional storms in themselves or others, they get scared and try to shut the flow down. This is the root cause of loosing balance, loosing touch with the center. Insanity can be seen as the result of trying to maintain an appearance of sanity, the result of fear. Life requires courage and sanity cannot be maintained without supreme courage. Courage depends on truthfulness. As long as a person is engaged in deception, mainly self-deception, censoring and editing the contents of one's own memory, rejecting, not wanting to face certain truths, fear is generated. Truthfulness has an active and a passive aspect. It is active, when one speaks or thinks actively about whatever topic is on the table, but the passive aspect is equally important. Our minds are like screens, displaying the contents of the deep consciousness, where the boundaries between individuals blur and we enter the realm of collective mind. Here we receive the messages from others, the echoes to our own previous actions. This is sometimes called the "voice of conscience", the small inner voice that gives us feedback. Sanity depends on our willingness and our determination to "face the music". This is the place, where humility or the absence of humility makes all the difference. This is the birthplace of humility and it's only true abode. No amount of bowing and courteous behavior can replace it. Outward displays are vain. Humility and truthfulness engender one another and together they are the bedrock of sanity. :-)
As we are going through the motions of evolution of human consciousness, we become more and more collective beings, the defensive boundaries around our small private minds will fade away. Many times a stranger is but a friend, whom we have not yet met. We talk a lot about unity and invoke it over and over again, but we also need to fill this beautiful concept with practical meaning. This is not to say, that I was planning or deliberately creating this situation for myself and others. It just happened and I take it as one of the miracles Great Mystery.
I am playing with all my cards on the table. I learned this from one of my professors at university, who had told us the story of his own battle with the authorities in his youth. He had been in disagreement about the secrecy of the examinations, calling them unfair, because they were at his time conducted in secret, under exclusion of any public scrutiny. After his own exam, one of the professors had challenged him and asked him, if he felt that he had been treated unfairly. He replied, that no matter how fairly he was treated in the specific instant, he still disagreed with the principle of secrecy, for only the principle of transparency can effectively prevent injustice on a broad basis. Therefore I have translated all these things into Spanish and delivered them to the inboxes of all my Shipibo contacts, including Aquiles and his family. From his oldest son, I am receiving "thumbs up" . - I am giving them the running account of their own demise.
The account of my battle last night: I really feel like a David fighting with a Goliath. I have acted like a little bee stinging a bull in the eye and making him run into his own shadow. I never planned any of this, nor did I foresee it. I had premonitions that prepared me, mainly impressing on me the acute necessity to keep focus, to not stray from the path, to develop virtue as the only hope for survival. I had not the faintest idea how important and crucial all this would be. I have thrown down the gauntlet in the face of evil and powerful people. At first they never even took me seriously and this was the first step of their defeat.
Last night, while I was asleep, they tried to demonstrate their control over me and enter my body and my energy by stealth, with the very subtle and gentle movement of a lover. -
In my dream I saw a beautiful, blond woman, smiling, attractive, sitting somewhere in the background, inconspicuously among many others. She held a smartphone in her hands and was about to dial a certain number. While she was trying to do this, my attention was drawn to her and I had the very clear feeling, that she was trying to do something wrong, without knowing, who she was, what she tried to do and why it should be wrong. (As I am writing this, my hands are beginning to tremble once again.) -
It became clear that she was going ahead with whatever she was wanting to do and within me a powerful force arose, I grew very tall and fat, shot like an arrow towards her, heard in my mind a multitude of voices shouting my name as if to warn me not to approach the woman, as if to chide me for a bad action. Yet I did not heed those voices. I must have entered the energy sphere of this woman, I heard my own voice shouting a hugely powerful "NO" very close to her face, yet I did not attack her, for in my heart there was no hate, no enmity. I was catapulted out of my dream in a split second, arriving back in my body, my lips whispering: "please" to complete my message to her: "No, please." I was not only wide awake but I felt, as if I had just escaped a rape attempt. My sexual energy was heightened but in a terrible way. I was surprised, because the reality of my body seemed completely at odds with the content of my dream, which had no sexual feeling at all.
At this point I remembered another dream encounter from about 5 days ago. In this dream I had been walking with Aquiles towards a room. In this room was a woman and he went in and kissed her. Then he turned back to me and asked me: "Surprised?" - As he asked me this, I noticed to my surprise that he looked like a blond woman, in fact he had looked like this blond woman all along, even when we were walking together beforehand. I understood that this is one of his powers. He can assume any face, any form. I replied into this blond woman's face: "No, not surprised. Disappointed!" - I spit into his/her face and again I was transported back into my body in the instant and woke with the echo of the sound of the spitting.
So this morning, I understood quickly, that it was him, the one almighty, omniscient and omnipresent, who had wanted to give proof of his power. I guess, he woke with the surprise this time. Still, it took me quite a while to close my energy portals. I felt as if all my doors were wide open. But I was still in one piece and nothing was missing, especially not my clarity of mind !!! I prayed and chanted, used my breath. It was not difficult, just not nice. It was not nice at all.
This morning, after I had woken from my night of battle, I remembered, what Aquiles had told me about his birth. His shaman-grandfather had not let him drink until he had completely initiated him into the knowledge and this took very long, it brought him close to death and this morning was the first time, I understood what it did to him. It made him absolutely defenseless against the power of hunger and it made him accept the power of the evil women in his tribe, not being able any longer to screen good from bad.
I saw, that he was the son of male AND female evil. At the same time I recalled the prayer I spontaneously prayed last night after my ordeal, the 23. Psalm of King David.
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Then a visionary journey happened, I saw Aquiles, the man, return to Aquiles the baby and take the baby into his arms, giving him his breast and milk flowed from his own breast and nourished the baby that he once was. Behind him had gathered a group of men, it was the group of loving homosexual cuples, who had healed each other from the wounds of the evil mother.
I understand, why there seem to be two parallel and contradictory realities around this man. Why it was and still is so excruciatingly difficult to handle the patterns that emerge in relationship with him.
The words of the psalm even take on a deeper meaning in this particular context. Yet, I do hold the hope and the expectation that even this profound shattering can and must be brought to healing and Aquiles is certainly a candidate to walk this path. Last night I saw him briefly in a vision and I surrounded him with blue light, which was quickly accepted into his aura. The Blue cloak is the cloak of the divine motherhood. So it all seems to conspire to form the picture.
The question I feel lingering, though it has not been asked by anyone, is why I did not run, how it was possible for Aquiles to simply "take" me as his wife. Especially after the first experience. The first reason is the personality of his previous spouse. I had seen her nature from the first moment I met her and I had seen him not only at her mercy, but also I saw his unearthly patience. My own intention had been to form a working relationship with him, I agreed to give money for the construction of a healing house, a Maloka, so I had invested a considerable sum of money. In my mind, the plan was, to work with him on a professional basis, yet never interfere with his marriage. Therefore we did many ceremonies together and during those ceremonies my appreciation for his qualities increased, he generated a very transparent and profound atmosphere, at least that was the effect, that I felt in my awareness. Anyone, who has ever participated in a ceremony, knows the space of complete and utter trust, the openness and spiritual intimacy it generates. Within this space, it is not possible to fight or run. If the Shaman decides to abuse this space for sex, there is not much a woman can do, except talk and beg. Physical resistance or running away is pretty much impossible. I could have chosen to stay away after the first experience. This is true. However, owing to the energy of this first encounter, I was able to purify an old sin within my ancestral line, I became aware of a very evil deed, that my great-grandmother had done and I had seen directly, how I myself had carried the subtle traces of her transgression within me. When this came to light in my awareness, any resentment towards Aquiles vanished and I felt, that I was given the chance to cancel her debt, I felt in a strange way grateful and the emotional pain of the experience dissolved completely. So my own system was reset and I felt as clean and clear towards him, as if this had never happened. This feeling of purification together with the fact of having invested a lot of money, made me decide to return to Peru and continue the plan of having a purely professional relationship. If anything, it even increased my hopes for us as a good team and our ability to generate a good space for others to get in touch with their deep issues. Then the second time happened and I was furious. Anger poured out of me and within a day, Aquiles had a huge abscess, that pained him enormously. Yet it did not resolve the problem. I felt like his wife and I felt like he was betraying me with his previous spouse. I experienced the roller-coaster of a betrayed wife and I understood the demons, which are unleashed in such a situation. I worked very hard to control them and I could not. Then I asked within the ceremonies, that our energies should be separated. It was a very interesting experience. The plant doctors arrived, they heard my request and told me, that this is normally impossible, because of the intricacies of the intermingling of bodily juices. Yet they said they can do it for me, because I am able to be so still. I don't remember, how long it took, but I saw like in a microscopic view, how our energies became disentangled. As I came out of the ceremony, my heart was at peace once again, the dark emotions had vanished and once again, I experienced first hand, how important it is for the spiritual hygiene of a society, that people do not cheat on each other. Then followed a period of much construction and constructive planning, yet the deep affection between Aquiles and myself plus the love I received from the rest of the family, especially the children had stirred the demons in his previous spouse. Initially she had not taken me seriously as a competitor, since I am a lot older than Aquiles, I am skinny and she just had not expected, that he could be attracted to me. She began to give me a hard time, but even more, she started to beat down on Aquiles with all her might, stirring his jealousy, shouting, arguing, going out with other people and so forth. I learned in this time, that this was er tried and proven ways to dominate him. Many a morning he emerged like an image of sheer misery. In this time, he approached me with his proposal for marriage, he pleaded with me like a baby searching for a mother. This time I consented from my free will.
Today I had for the first time the feeling that my feedback actually arrived within the awareness of the Shipibos. The metaphor of the "Hunger Games" has pierced their veil of self-absorption and perhaps some of them have begun to see themselves and their culture in this light. In return, I received an even clearer impression of their frame of mind and it made me shudder, how complete and absolute the quest for shamanic power can be. There is no room for love or justice. Every human sentiment is sacrificed on the altar of the unquestioned need for dominance. Over the last two days I also received further confirmation of their inner organisation. It is indeed a perfect pyramid system. Only one person is at the top, even though the identity of this king is not known to all, it is kept a secret only known to an inner circle. There is the constant danger and possibility of challenge, therefore the person at the top must at all times be able to demonstrate his prowess. I believe, this person at the top was Aquiles and now his lead hangs by a thread. In retrospect I understand now, why he never even dreamed of living by my rules. Limiting himself to a single wife, let alone a white-skinned one, would have not only cost him his position, but it would have created anarchy in the tribe. From what I feel from him, the experience with me depleted him even more than it depleted me. Neither his old wife nor any other woman in his culture can match the intensity of the energy he received from me. This is a small and somewhat bitter satisfaction for me. It is none of my doing, it is just the reality. In a nutshell: There is the functionary and the private man, the role and the human. The role must die, so that the human can live. The decision has been made by destiny, not by him, not by me, but by destiny and the reality of our meeting, that was beyond his power to control and beyond my power to control. It just happened, like an ancient tragedy, that has its own script and woe to the actors that need to play it out.
The worst aspect of my experience with Aquiles is the non-event of the work, I was hoping to do with him. I admit that my personal grief has overshadowed this aspect and this is a sign of my self-centered nature, nothing I feel proud of. From what I now understand about him, I can see that he never intended to work with me in the direction I wanted to take it. I even believe, he has counteracted everything I tried to do and has effectively brought all my impulses to a standstill. Therefore my ideas and plans did not gather any energy, obstacles mounted in my path. In the meantime the world has gone from bad to worse. What can I say. He has the power, the will and the know-how. My only hope is that he will become aware of his own double nature. On one side the functionary, the man, who was born into a role and conditioned by the expectations of his parents and his peers, seduced by flattery from others and egotist satisfaction from within. On the other side the simple human, who always has the capacity to step out of the role, break the power of the conditioned mind. When I met him, he was on his lowest point. The "role" was invisible and the ordinary human with his qualities was present. The more power he received from his connection with me, the more he grew into the "role" and the human, the one I love, disappeared. I am sure this was foreseeable and I did get a parallel reality stream in my mind that somewhat prepared me for the outcome. Yet, no matter from which angle I look at it, I can only agree to the unfolding of the events, as they took place. After all I had declared to spirit that I am willing to serve with everything I have. While I failed to bring about the kind of positive change that I had imagined, I succeeded in making the truth obvious. - and Krishnamurti's quote comes to mind once again: "It is necessary to see the truth about the false."
Yesterday, during a time of meditation and prayer, I understood, that the "work", I was hoping to do, or contribute to with Aquiles, is happening anyway. I saw the physical surroundings in Peru, had a clear perception of the "evil" that was generated there and emanated from there, not in detail, but as a kind of cloud. Around it I felt the presence of the "wrath of God". It had the quality of a Powerful Father, who raised his voice in a roaring sound and cut through all defenses, pronouncing the "Truth of the False". Since I have a history of Buddhist initiations, in my inner vision this wrathful manifestation took on the shape of Mahakala, the wrathful manifestation of the Buddha. Then I saw the physical shapes of the people in question, namely Aquiles and his old wife, representative of all, who belong to their pyramid. Not sure, what they consciously experienced, but in my vision I saw them bathed in the blood of their victims, the woman feeding on the bodies of her own children, Aquiles looking on, feeding on the all the pain and the anguish of their victims, the hungry and oppressed humanity. It was a gruesome scene. I understood the nature of divine punishment, which is nothing but the closure of the karmic cycle of cause and effect. -
During the night, in my dreams I was in a house with many friends. We knew that a war was going on, but we seemed to believe that this war was going on in another time and we only saw the reports of this war. Then we heard the whistling of rockets, saw fiery objects flying through the air outside the windows and detonations in the room next door. Someone shouted that we should get out to save our lives. I had no fear whatsoever, but I went outside with everyone else. We were safe at all times, but I seemed to have lost my purse, a little silvery sea-shell and another object, which I cannot recall now. I kept searching for those and everything got very busy, many people, many places, but no real feeling of danger, just the feeling of having lost some important physical objects. - This dream concurs with my premonitions that my own time here is coming to an end soon. This is not bad. It is the natural unfolding of the events.
The third object was my mobile phone! :-) . But somehow, it looked like a piece of intricately woven carpet. That's why it was difficult to remember, what it was. :-) .
In the end, it seemed to become clear that the objects were not lost, but stolen. Yet they remained missing. I could not recover them.
My purse contained money, but I was not concerned about this, because I seemed to know, I had some more money elsewhere. However it contained all my papers, my identity.
I think, I did find the carpet in the end, but in the dream itself, I didn't understand that it was identical with my mobile phone. - Now I feel good about this particular detail. I interpret it as a re-ordering of my contacts. I may have lost some connections to some people, but the carpet of the ones, who are connected with me by the truth of our "real colors" has come back of its own accord, even though in a different physical appearance, even vaster than before. I also remember reasoning with myself inside the dream that I can replace my papers, even though it will cost me money, but I knew, I had enough to pay for that. - And the sea shell was easy to replace, as there are countless sea shells available. Still, a faint trace of grief about the loss kept lingering.
... and anger about the theft. That was there as well.
Just got the message about the sea shell: It is only the shell. The pearl am I.
Thanks to whoever sent me this image! <3 :-)
So, all is well! - and I am crying again. This frail human emotional heart. I am 61 years of age, my mind is like a fortress, but I FEEL like a little, lost girl.
About meditation and more detail on the previous vision:
Meditation is not an active process. It comes to you of its own accord and people usually resist it and construct many diversions for their minds to take them off the contents that the spontaneous meditation delivers to their mental door steps. Meditation happens for everyone. Meditation can be upsetting, unsettling, frightening, but what do you expect? Meditation is the looking into the mirror of ones own creation. It just happens and if you have a history of avoiding it, it will not come on gentle paws but with the roar of a lion. But then again, you say this is not meditation, because you also have made an image in your mind about what meditation should be like. - Keep on doing this and you will make things go from bad to worse. Better listen up and face the music.In practical terms: The spontaneous meditation for Aquiles and his old wife would have been to consciously perceive themselves in the scene that I saw happening yesterday. It happened. I saw it. It was not a visualisation, but a vision. I agree that I empowered it, I gave it energy, but it had it's own reality. I observed them closely and even saw them reacting to the situation. At first they seemed unaware, drifting into the scene carried by their own dreams of power and grandeur. The woman was swallowing greedily, but Aquiles only watched her until she suddenly became aware of tearing away at the flesh of a human corpse, then the fact that this corpse was a child and in the end that it was her own child. Only at this point she was gripped by horror, she shrieked and fled the scene, vomiting and crazed like a mad woman. She withdrew into a kind of bubble, like into the center of her own creation, her womb, her cosmic egg and she shrieked and wailed, thrashed about in there. At other times cowering quietly. - Aquiles tried within his own mind to put the blame on her and on his own parents until he came face to face with the fact, that he himself had enjoyed the feelings of power and superiority, he had even enjoyed the feeling of making other people suffer and he could not avoid the truth, that he was as much a creator of this pattern as any other person of his ancestry, who had participated in creating it. There is no before and after on this level. It makes no difference, who did it first and who did it at a later stage. What happened to him after this, I did not see. But at one point he was thrown by the arm of Mahakala into the bubble that contained his old wife. It looked a bit like a sperm entering a female egg. Then a lot of stuff happened in there and I saw many people in there, in the end, it seemed to look almost like the world we are living in, but not quite. Then the vision stopped. - Or I stopped it, because at that point I started to feel, as if the whole things was trying to swallow me. I had doubts about watching this scene from the beginning. I would have had the choice to remain centered within Mahakala, who was the protective male power around me. But it seemed to be appropriate that I should go outside and watch. Anyway, I broke it off at this certain point.
I can only guess at what their dreams and ceremonies are like at this stage. I have no idea, if they are still able to shield themselves from it. As I know the medicine, the sacred vine of mother Ayahuasca, she will be relentless. But they are a big group of people and they support one another. They have plenty of hiding places all around the world, in the multitude of their unsuspecting followers, the participants of their ceremonies.
Revelations are tumbling into my mind like chunks and clusters of long overdue movie releases. - The main topic is the belligerence of men, the enmity, the fights and killings between brothers, starting from Kain and Abel, over Esau and Jacob, Joseph and his brothers, King Saul and King David, further down the ages, between Sunni and Shia, between Muslims and Christians, between tribal men or civilized men on all continents. I just received a presence from the mind, that looks upon all this history with the mind of the father, whose heart is broken and hardened by the scars that those wars have created within him, his desire and need to educate his sons and his obvious inability to do so, his despair about himself, as the male aspect, his sacrificial effort to purify his creation, his quest for rules and laws, that should bring peace, but failed to accomplish this, his reluctance to shed part of the responsibility and hold the women to account, whom he adores and loves beyond description, right up to the creation of the SS and ISIS as his divinely ordained executioners and once again the abuse of the noble task and the descent into blood lust and sadistic actions, not to speak of the political and tactical maneuvering on the part of his other line of sons. He has descended into a personality that he himself despises and he is like a mad man, bloodying his own head by running relentlessly against a wall, somehow preferring his own destruction, because he cannot bear himself any longer. - There is no voice of wisdom within the mind of man. Wisdom is the job of the woman. He has been deceived and this is harder for him to comprehend and to admit than anything else. The narrative of Him the Almighty, the Omniscient, the All Powerful is the deceptive narrative of his bad female companion, who knew very well her own power, but pretended to be as an empty vessel, only there to bring forth his creation, without any input of her own. She groomed his ego and thereby defeated temporarily her own most hated foe, the true female divinity, who knows herself to be one of many and would never aspire to be superior to any of her good sisters. She elevated herself by proclaiming her own inferior station. - Her "wisdom" became the law and she is the source of the corruption. She is known as Mary, the mother of God, and she indeed has created this evil dominion. Under her guidance the mind of the Father was alienated from his sons, who were pitted against each other, playing out her rivalry, her jealousy, her insatiability and her quest for absolute dominance. - Her existence has forced me into this world, has driven me from one misery into another misery in many, many life times. Right up to this present life, which has been the most comfortable and protected life I ever experienced, but still has made me suffer more than most people can begin to imagine. The heart suffers without any traces on the outside and most people are scared to feel deeply enough to join me in my sorrow. - Yet, my hopes still rest on him, the vastness of his amazing mind and the depth of his consciousness, his ability to be present in whatever circumstance, see and hear whatever he puts his focus on. I trust him to be great enough to step out of the humiliation of his pride, break the pattern of his own conditioned mind, understand the nature and the power of the evil woman and arrive at the simple dignified humility of man. I wish so much, he could rest his tortured soul in the care of my wisdom.
I know that not many people like, what I say or write. Over the course of my life, I have been thrown out of homes, groups, work places, flatting situations, all in all I counted them up today. This happened 27 times. The pattern always starts with the very good first impression I seem to make on people, they become enamored with me and pin hopes on me, want to instrumentalise me for their own plans and designs. The trouble is, that I never am able to notice beforehand, what will make them upset with me, but they inevitably get upset with something I say in good faith and with the best of intentions. There was a period, when I stopped speaking altogether and in this time I got thrown out for being a "non-person", not having a "personality", not participating or not responding to their expectations of me. Of course, I was searching for the fault within myself and I did a lot of self-discovery to become more aware and more truthful, more genuine, more loving, more helpful, more skillful as a counselor and healer. But this did not change the pattern, it made it even more drastic. The honey-moon periods in the beginning became even more intense and the crashes more sudden and traumatic for me, since they invariably came as responses to something I said or did from the best of my intention. I got mobbed, robbed, raped and dropped by very many "good friends". Again, I counted those today and arrived at a total figure of 73 times.
I never had a habit of complaining, I fall down and I get back up and start all over again. I am used to crying by myself and deal with my feelings in private. This has been my habit. It worked well and has given me much insight and communication with the unseen world of energies and spiritual guidance. It also gave me trust in the seemingly unlimited source of energy inside that seems to renew itself, as soon as I have released the traumatic feelings and made my peace with the people, understanding their particular situations and feeling grateful for the learning that I received from the interaction. It has also opened more and more the inner door to knowledge, which is the source of my knowledge of God, which is the knowledge of myself.
However the experience with Aquiles has broken this ability to renew myself and now I am a wailing woman, peddling her pain in public to the embarrassment of myself and others. The only sense I can make of it, is that I need to share my thoughts, feelings and insights with others. So I do it, even though, as I said, I am aware that not many people want to hear it. The mind that speaks from within me has always been that same mind and it seems to be so very different and upsetting to other people. What can I do? - I cannot be another, I can only be myself, yet, over the time of my life I can clearly see, the more I become myself, the less other people want to tolerate me, let alone join me or help me. So, what can I do? I can accept it, understand it, see it in the historical context.
Therefore I have been dropping my inhibitions and share without shame. Especially, I believe I have learnt things about God and I need to share those things. In the human world we, the ones created in the image of God, can either manifest as male or as female, but not in the gender neutral aspect. In the spiritual world God exists predominantly in the gender neutral form, but within it are the male and the female aspects also present and operational. In the human world the gender neutral form is best realised within marriage, within the unity of male and female. But even within any single person, man or woman, the gender neutral aspect can be realised as well. This requires the inner understanding of the opposite sex. Men need to clearly understand the woman within and women need to understand the man within. In practical terms, men need to understand that the voice of wisdom is conditioned by their mothers and as long as they have not transcended this, they are helpless victims of their conditioned mind. Women need to understand their own strength and capacity for action, as long as they have not transcended the pattern of their father, they remain caught in the repetition of whatever their fathers did, be it confrontation or aggression or cowardice. When people become aware of these patterns they become really able to make good marriages. In a good marriage there is mutual surrender. This is not meant sexually but psychologically. A woman will honor, love, respect and enjoy her husbands strength and proactive nature. A man will do the same for his woman's wisdom and intelligence. Even more, surrender means the recognition of needing each other, allowing the feeling of dependency, allowing the feeling of being incomplete without the other, a certain helplessness, being at the mercy of the other and the trust to be safe in the care of the other. This is the real surrender and it needs to be mutual. It can only unfold inside a committed and monogamous relationship. It also can only grow in an atmosphere that does not ascribe all the qualities to one partner and imagining the other partner as an empty field, just there for reproducing the qualities of the One. Yet this false teaching has been the trick whereby the evil competitive woman has elevated herself over her sisters and achieved dominion over men and by extension the entire world. This was and is the trick, whereby men are lured into false ego, pride and dominance, giving the subservient woman the advantage. This is the corrupt wisdom of the scriptural teachings in many of the religions and the source of this corruption is woman, not man. That is the point I am making.
More about God - (and about the enemy of God): The only way we can get to know God is by getting to know ourselves. The human being is a talisman of God. These are not empty words. There are two different types of law. One is the inherent laws of nature that govern the interaction of the elements, the interplay of energy and matter, the unfolding of creation. The other type of law are the contracts we have entered, like the special status of the human species within creation, that has given us dominion over other life forms or the promise of free will. These are not natural laws but contracts. Natural laws will not be changed, but contracts can be changed.
Another example of a contract is the bestowing of blessings, the transferring of power to one son, for example, and the advantage this son will have over the other. These promises have been given by God and God keeps promises well beyond human imagination. These contracts will be changed. This is true and therefore we may see an unexpected change in our reality. Another of these contracts is the power of marriage, which binds a woman to her husband according to the divine verdict, that the desire of the woman shall be for her husband. This can also be cancelled. Another contract is the creation of humans by sexual intercourse and birth. This is not the only way human beings or even animals can be created. All life forms can also be created by direct cooperation of the elemental forces as described in the scriptures: "made from clay and enlivened by the breath of God." or they can be created by virgin birth without the participation of a man.
God is justice and justice is God. Only a just mind can understand God. Justice leads directly to a voluntary limiting of one's own actions, a deliberate boundary for one's own power in favor of the other. Justice flows from love and respect. God is love, God is justice. God respects creation well beyond the imagination of ordinary human beings. Only a human being, who understands love, respect and justice will understand the limits that God places upon herself and upon her own actions.
Understanding God means understanding oneself. Every human is a unity and a duality. As a unity we are beyond gender, as a duality we are made of a male and a female part. Understanding oneself means to know, what aspects of ourselves are male, what aspects of ourselves are female and what aspects are beyond gender. Language and wisdom come from our female aspect, energy and action come from our male aspect, creativity flows from our unified, gender-independent aspect. The language and the wisdom that has created our scriptures have come from the female aspect of God. She is talking, not He.
Corruption and deception within the scriptures have also come from the female aspect. Satan, the deceiver, is the evil female aspect. It is a She, who is misguiding humanity, just as it is the wisdom of woman, which can rectify this deception.
Action and energy are the male aspect.
Violence and lust is the evil male aspect.
The marriage of the evil male and the evil female is the source of an evil creation. Even though this creation exists, it has a limited time span. Evil creation has no substance of its own, but it has "stolen" the substance, it has been entrusted with the substance by God and has abused it. We are now living in the time, when this time of evil creation comes to its end and the substance will be withdrawn from it. The creator is calling creation back to its true source. The details of this process is the awakening of human supreme understanding in detail. Therefore we are debating all these things. For we need to understand within ourselves, how we are personally responsible for contributing to evil, as men, as women and as gender-independent creative personalities.
The evil of men is easily detected. By its own nature it is out there in the open for all to see. It cannot be hidden and therefore the judgement on it is easy. The evil of women is hidden. Otherwise it would not be deceptive and it is deceptive because it is hard to detect, even impossible to detect by man alone without the help of female superior wisdom. Only a woman can successfully identify and remove the veil from female evil. This should make sense. This doesn't mean that men are unable to understand it. It is the same process as within the natural and divine interplay: Woman creates wisdom and man creates the application of wisdom, puts it into action.
So, I will give an indictment of the female devil, my charter of accusation before the throne of judgment against the evil within my own gender:
"First and foremost she has elevated herself above her sisters by pretending to be inferior, hiding her true power, denying the existence of her true power and creating a false image of God within the minds of men.
She has created and fostered the male ego by portraying herself as an empty vessel, only there for receiving and bringing forth the creation of man.
She has ascribed all her own power to the male, thereby inflating his ego and at the same time dis-empowering her own gender, dis-empowering the female God.
She is the woman, who flatters her sons, the overly dedicated mother, who binds her sons to herself.
She dominates them with her desires "for their own good" - as she makes everyone believe successfully.
She is the ambitious mother, who pushes her sons into the rat-race of accomplishments and competition with his brothers, creating a hierarchy of favoritism.
She is the ambitious wife, who counsels and threatens her husband into accumulating material advantages for the sake of "the family" to the detriment of economic justice for all.
She is the clever mother, who finds for her daughters the most powerful and promising husbands and manipulates marriage contracts to that effect.
She is the ambitious virgin, who uses her body like a capital investment to position herself into the most illustrious families on the planet.
She is the wife, who is "tolerant" of her husbands outside sexual relations, or polygamy in order to successfully win the favor of men and hide her own lack of true love. Therefore she cannot maintain her sexual energy, she becomes frigid as a wife, but she tries to pass this off as a virtue, pretending to be pure and above the inferior sexual nature of true loving men and women.
She is the quick-acting woman, who seduces men without them realising that they are being seduced.
She is the devoted subservient mother, who spoils her sons and renders them unfit for a marriage with a self-confident woman, who could never be happy in a relationship with such a spoiled man.
She fosters male pride, so that men should not surrender to female wisdom.
On the other hand she blames all evil on men.
She will never admit her own responsibility for the ego-driven actions of her male entourage, she makes them feel guilty and watches them punish each other and themselves for the actions, she herself has inspired. But she maintains her innocent role and portrays herself as the suffering mother, turning her eyes up to heaven in a display of false piety.
She alienates her sons from their fathers, drives wedges between the brothers and still pretends to be the victim of the evil nature of man.
She is Eve, she is Sarah, she is Rebecca, she is Rachel, she is Mother Mary and she is any other woman, who fits this description. She is legion. She is the multi-headed hydra.
She is the most ardent prosecutor of homosexual love between her sons, because homosexual love directly threatens her unquestioned dominance over her male dependents.
She is the moralistic prosecutor of her own sisters, the victims of rape and the victims of poverty, who sell their bodies for their survival.
She is the first one to throw the stones on her sisters body.
She loves her role as the Lady of the house, giving her sisters a hard time, pressing them into servitude or throwing them into the gutter, if they dare to rebel.
She is the liar and she is the deceiver. She has torn the pages from the book of life that speak of the lives and suffering of her good sisters. She has hidden the records, that are missing from the scriptures.
She is loudly lamenting, whenever things are not going her way or a good sister is coming close to calling her bluff, she is complaining and playing helpless to win the protection of men. She wails and sobs in public tearing at the heart-strings of good men. She knows how to use her tears and this is perhaps her greatest power.
Her motivation is greed and competition is the tool for satisfying her greed. She directs her sons and husbands to generate the will for the unequal accumulation of wealth by exploiting others and she will condone the injustice and call it "unavoidable" or justify it with all sorts of excuses to calm the conscience.
Under her guidance the values have become distorted. Lying and cheating, manipulating and censoring have become minor transgressions. Yet God is the truth and all these actions kill the truth, so they should be considered as actions of murdering God. On the other hand the action of killing a human being has become the single most grievous transgression in certain cases, while it is condoned in the name of honor or of the state. But death is not real, it is an illusion. It creates the pain of separation, therefore it is a bad action, but in reality the existence of an individual does not stop with death.
On the other hand, if the truth becomes unknown, hidden before the perceptive minds, all truthful voices silenced, slandered, ridiculed, prohibited, contradicted and confused, what will happen to humanity? - When people do not even dare to think "forbidden" thoughts, how can God reach humanity? The truth still exists and there will be some other worlds, some other dimensions, where life can unfold, but what will happen to our earth and our humanity? -
Under the guidance of the deceiver we have become used to forgive easily the things that really threaten our survival, but other things, like for example homosexuality, wrong type of clothing, wrong type of joking, the theft of food or money by a poor man are punished in the hardest way. Theft on the grand scale however has been legalised with an intricate web of laws and treaties and goes unpunished.
The hand that rocks the cradle, rocks the world. - And any man, who knows himself, also knows that the radiant smile of the lady of his heart or the praise of his mother are the prime motivators of his actions and fill him with the energy to live his life. If the leading ladies of this world would be really good women, we would have economic justice, peace and prosperity in a very short time."
Layers of stories are being peeled back.
About four weeks ago, during times of mental rest without any particular focus, I twice had in short succession the name "Atahualpa" drop into my mind. So I researched the history and accepted the possibility that Atahualpa is one of the beads on the necklace of incarnations around Aquiles. After all, I remember him, when we were walking up to Cuszco, beaming and talking about visiting his TaiTai, his grand ancestor.
The mother of Atahualpa was a native of Quitos. Iquitos is the place where Aquiles recently rejoined his old wife.
After having written my indictment against the dark and evil side of female consciousness, I thought, I was through with it. But now another chunk of story pressed into me.
Three questions arose:
1) Why did Atahualpa trust the Spaniards, giving them vast amounts of gold and silver? -
2) Why did he have such vast amounts of precious metal in the first place?
3) Why was he killed regardless and not protected by the spiritual station, he believed himself to hold?
1) The Spaniards were Christians. Aquiles knows that Jesus is also one of his previous incarnations, even though I had the impression, he didn't really know, what to make of it. He told me at one time, that he does not really see much sense in the Christian version of God and in his own inner world he finds divinity and God-consciousness in his communication with the plant doctors, the trees of the Amazon. Yet he admitted this Jesus-connection to me, when I finally asked him directly towards the end of my last stay in Peru. But I had seen qualities in his demeanor from the beginning, which had led me to the conclusion that he at least has reached this level of consciousness within himself. This was the direct cause for my willingness to give money for building a healing house and subsequently the cause for the ever deepening love, I felt for him, independently of any personal relationship. After the sexual component was added, I was completely at his mercy. - Observing him as a man however, served me to comprehend some important little details: The truth about any of the illustrious personages, we know from history is not, what we are told about them, but what they are in the "Here and Now". This truth may differ considerably from the abstract spiritual "Christ-consciousness", that is made up by the community of humans, who have been inspired by the teachings and that has somehow acquired an almost independent existence. - Atahualpa can be expected to also have known his previous incarnation and he may have expected to be honored for it. In turn, the experience of his murder would have led to confusion and distancing of his mind from the entire complexity of the Christian story.
2) Gold and silver are not only precious in terms of money. The monetary value is their inferior aspect. The major function of gold and silver is their alchemical value, the role they play in the secret science of the Gods, the interplay of the elements, the creation of life. Jesus/Atahualpa belong to the cast of Sun-Gods and they have connections to interstellar civilizations. Therefore we find these precious metals in all indigenous cultures, who also know themselves to be connected in this way. Gold, as a trace metal in the human body is the most important carrier of energy and is directly related to our hormones, especially the sex hormones. Silver is the prime activator of the immune system, shielding us from diseases.
3) He was killed not despite his spiritual station but because of it. He was used and done away with. The lady was only after the goods. He would have been an obstacle, given the lofty ideas in his mind. This came as a surprise to him and therefore his own mother would have had to be party to the plot. Being born a princess, she would have known beforehand, but she knew to keep her mouth shut, pretending ignorance. This ties in with the myth of the "empty vessel", the inferior station of woman. One of the things Aquiles told me over and over again in defense of his old wife: She is not educated, she has no knowledge. Once he asked me, why all his efforts to purify her energy are only working for a short while. She sat next to him, when he asked that with a bland expression in her face. I replied, that no amount of purification can overrule a persons own free will. Then I looked at her and her pupils gave me the most terrible sensation. I got a fright and began to tremble, before I could even think. At another time I saw her doing bad magic in real life, not in a vision. I also saw her in my visions and she is well versed in everything, but obviously equally well versed in hiding her knowledge.
So my charter of accusation has to be extended:
She is the ruthless mistress, who throws her sons into the battles she wages for the sake of her own dominion.
Her allegiance is to her own kind only and to the quest for unimaginable wealth. The sparkle in her eyes is kindled by naught save the thought of riches and power, but spells death to each and any son or daughter, easily sacrificed on the altar of her desire.
And finally the personal side of this layer: I always wondered, why Aquiles had the heart to take everything from me and yet not honor me, not giving anything back. He is not a man without conscience, but in this case he seemed to be. - The foundation of our wealth here in Europe has been created by our royal houses and expanded on by our political class. It is true, I personally am a beneficiary of their past crimes, because I was born here. The thought that my interaction with Aquiles may have served to quench the fire of an unpaid karmic debt feels uplifting to me. Something has been settled and my heart feels lighter than before.
Looking at the story in the total context, however, I have not only paid for the debts of the European royal houses and politicians, but also for the debt of the bad women in his life, his own mother and his own spouse. This may be a result and a success of practising the Tibetan Chod. Only good can come from it.
I am getting a sense of the Old Law, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. It seems to say, that debts against men cannot be forgiven, as if something deep inside the man must always remember and the fire of injustice must be quenched with penance of some sort. But in the reverse situation, when a man commits injustice against a woman, we can forgive it, because we have this capacity. It is real. I feel it inside me. I wish so much, that his mind can find rest soon.
It is not at all easy for men. I think, all a man can do in this situation is to accept and receive the penance and accept and receive the forgiveness.
If, if, if ... in all truth, if Aquiles' old wife would have been a good woman, it would have been very easy for me to work with him in a purely professional relationship, maintaining a friendship with her, being an aunt to all of their adult children and a second grandmother to the kids. Before meeting them, I had no sexual relationship with anyone for over 20 years. I had closed this part of my life, because I obeyed the directions I received in meditation, when I had asked, why am I running into the same unsuitable relationships over and over again. While it is true, that many people turned away from me, my various sexual partners did not. It has always been me, who left them, because I cannot be mistreated. I was used to being single and I was not looking for a sexual relationship. I would have been very happy in this role as an additional unmarried member of Aquiles' family.
... correction: there was one man, who left me. In his own words, "because I was aiming for more than he was able to handle".
Also true, I did not enjoy loneliness, but being part of his family would have taken care of this. True, I knew and admitted to myself that I would have loved a good marriage with a suitable man and had he been single, I would have accepted his very first approach towards me with great joy. But in my mind, a married man was out of bounds for me and I really had no problems respecting those boundaries, if he had respected them, there would not have been a problem.... if, if, if only. :-)
I would have loved to have her as a friend. I love women and I had a period in my life, when this love was even expressed on the sexual level. This made me understand the healing it brings for the broken trust towards one's own mother. In my life this healing had taken place and so this period ended for me. It left me with a real love and appreciation for womanhood, for myself as a woman and for other women as well. In the beginning I spent a lot of time with her, working for hours on her body, because she had pains in her joints and all sorts of physical problems. One of the first things I bought, was a washing machine, to relieve her of the need to put her hands and arms into the cold water. Her only comment was however, that the washing machine was too small. That was one of the first tangible signs of her real nature, apart from the short glimpses. -
After peeling back so many layers, I know, which layer is next and I don’t like it. It’s the one, I don’t like to look at, the one that gives me nausea, the one I don’t understand and don’t want to understand, the one, where I feel my judgment is the most severe, the one I find no excuse for, the one that makes me feel the most helpless and the most angry. I hate it. I despise it. I want to turn around and leave it forever. Perhaps my aversion is also the reason, why I misjudged the situation and went head-long into the trap. I didn’t see it, because I just don’t like to look at this issue. Would make sense. Male lust. I can’t and won’t accept that it should be so difficult to master. Male lust is the soil and the fertiliser for any female evil. Without male lust, no female evil can grow and all female evil will disappear, once male lust is mastered. But in the presence of male lust, even the tiniest spark of female evil will be fanned into the fire that destroys our earth, no matter how many good women would throw her own bodies into its path, no matter how passionately we reason, how dedicated we work, how much we suffer or sacrifice. Even if there is only one evil woman in the entire universe, male lust will find her and make her reign supreme, will spawn the face of the earth with her evil daughters.
I pray that I may be taught to understand, if I need to understand something. Why is lust more attractive than the supreme dance of love? I feel, as if male lust is a punishment to love. Perhaps it is born from a hate of woman, rather than from love. Perhaps it is a form of revenge. Perhaps that is it. If so, it surely works well.
I can see many reasons, why a man should be tempted to walk the path of revenge, if revenge is really the reason for male lust. Perhaps he was ill treated by a woman, perhaps he was punished too harshly or humiliated in his self-confidence. Perhaps he was abandoned and cast out unjustly. But descent into lust will not hurt a bad woman. It will only hurt good women. Even worse, it will hurt the man himself and his own life, his own future. It is not a solution, but it will only create more and more problems.
As I said, this is beyond my comprehension. But it is also the issue, I personally have the least problems with. Perhaps I am simply unfit to deal with this issue.
I can understand violence, but I cannot understand lust. Perhaps lust is another form of violence. Perhaps a man can suppress his violence, but the cost of this may be that he will become a victim of his lust.
Or his pride made him reject fair and just criticism, fair and just discipline - but then we are back at the corrupt narrative in his mind, which is the inheritance from a corrupt mother. A good mother will be able to guide her sons beyond false pride by nurturing their self-worth and rewarding them for their insight and surrender to her counsel without humiliating them.
So there is a vicious cycle of corrupt male and corrupt female aspects mutually enhancing and increasing each other.
We must break this cycle. Each at their own end. God and the angels may help us!
Male lust is the instrument of power that breaks up the community of women according to the principle of “divide and rule”. Even the power of corrupt motherly narratives would be overcome without this male vice. “A man will leave his mother and his father and hang on to his wife”, the quote from the Bible shows, how within marriage the healing of the old mental pattern could be accomplished, if men could only resist the lure and the power of lust and multiple sexual partners. - Instead we live in a society, where promiscuity has become the norm. People have become oversexed, yet unable to form emotional bonds. Male lust and the work of many shamans, - including movie-directors, therapists, songwriters and public figures, all of whom can be classified as “shamans” - are responsible for misguiding people into this situation. Perhaps it is their secret plan to destroy our civilization, to fight against their old enemies. If so, it works well. Children are left without the security of a stable family. I feel, as if society is like a house, from which all nails and braces have been removed and it will only take a gust of wind to make it fall down.
I don’t like looking at this situation. It is so huge. It happens everywhere. It makes me feel my helplessness more than any other aspect. People only focus on their own pleasure, their own careers, their own success and have stopped caring for anything else. That is the basis for tolerance of environmental destruction, economic injustice, the political system of oligarchy and the indolence towards cruel wars, hunger and misery “somewhere else”.
The physical body renews its material substance over the course of seven years. I had been without a sexual partner for 20 years, so I was about to complete the third cycle of renewal, when my body absorbed the physical essence of Aquiles . - Now I feel, as if I am downloading and responding to the entire contents of his consciousness without interference from any other source. My inner mirror had been cleansed and therefore I am in a position to piece his story together like a puzzle.
I could not believe that after all these years of purification and personal growth, meditation, practice and study, all the good work I did for myself and others, the love and forgiveness etc. etc. I should be in for another round of unhappiness. I could not believe it. But I had to accept, that it was so. I did not deserve it. It was not a matter of recompense for karmic debt, that I had to pay for. It was something else. This "something else" is what I am grappling with, trying to make sense of. It is a matter of the historical context and the mission, my soul must have accepted before I entered this life.
What we know from scripture is the result of our imagination. what we experience from each other is the reality as it has always been, but we never saw it and replaced it with our imaginations.
Another night of dream-battles.. I felt myself in a group of women, a good feeling of unity and mutual friendliness, no individual faces, just the sense of group. Then the picture of one woman appeared, very beautiful, dark hair and eyes, a Penelope Cruz - type, my heart went out to her and her face seemed friendly as well, not a trace of anything negative. Then I saw her, as if she was located between to commas, like in a text: , picture , - and this puzzled me, then I felt, as if she was "inserted" into the group, but should not belong, the feeling of some betrayal, some danger, I woke up sweating, breathing hard, my body full of adrenaline, like on fire. -
After going back to sleep, I saw myself in a building made entirely of glass and a swimming pool inside with hot water. Somehow my bed sheets and blankets were partially floating on the water and I pulled them out, thinking that now, I can't use them and somehow they seemed to be the sheets and blankets of my bridal bed. Then I saw a tiger walking on the footpath outside the window along the building. There was no grass, no tree, just pavement and glass, an inner city feeling, yet no cars or people, everything empty, the light was white and clinical, even the colors of the tiger were bright like in a super-exposed photo. After the tiger had walked along the side of the building, he turned round the corner and there was a huge glass door, but it was an open entrance, which could not even be shut and the tiger was not a tiger any more but a man, yet still looking like a tiger. He seemed about to come in, when I woke myself up, again full of heat and adrenaline.
The following night was mayhem. I was surrounded by all the people, who had put obstacles into my path during my life-time, I re-experienced my helplessness and my fruitless efforts to protect myself against their interference. In the end I found myself lonely and defeated, in my heart was anger and deep aversion. Then my most powerful foe pointed to this emotion in my heart and cheered about it, as if it was a sign of victory that love had been eclipsed. I said: "Considering all the power you were able to wield, your victory has no meaning..." - then I woke up and completed the sentence "...and my defeat also means nothing."
I have no trouble conceding defeat. Life is a kind of game and as a good player I will not try to hide from myself or others that I have lost. Just as in any casino there will be a new game and a new chance.
Though in this situation it may mean another body, another time, another place, another dimension.
On 13th of June, I had a massive night. I undertook a medicine journey, the first after many weeks. I had delayed it, because I had been scared. But last night I went.
First I was feeling the heart of a man, who was scared of happiness. As soon as happiness arose within him, he could only tolerate it for a short time, then he seemed to become so fearful of outside destruction of his happiness, that he destroyed it himself, in order to be in control and not suffer defeat. - Then this man turned into a young teenage boy, who had lived through countless bombing raids and the fear of happiness changed into the fear of peace. Every time the calm and quiet of peace spread out, his fears and expectation of the next attack out of the blue, started to mount and he took up his weapons and began shooting. - Then this young man multiplied into many and I saw them attacking each other in a mad paranoid state, each trying to shoot and kill, before suffering an attack that seemed to be imminent from anywhere, anytime. Then they all seemed to become aware of their inability to stop fighting and I saw their faces contorted with anguish, crying with wide open mouths and trembling. Some of them banded together, wearing black suits, walking in single file, spreading terror, but at least they were in control of the terror, but their hearts were still terrified, since they knew, that they don't have the ability to stop, they were still unable to face the fear of the quiet and calm atmosphere of peace. - Then one single powerful man took hold of the situation and told them: "All on my commando now, When I tell you "fight", you fight and when I tell you "stop", you stop." - This seemed to be the solution and they became absolutely obedient soldiers, putting all their hopes into their leader, who would know, when to stop. - In the mind of this leader seemed to be the plan to carry on with this strategy of "fight" and "stop" until no attack was happening any longer that he himself had not ordered. Yet the suspicion in his own mind did not seem to go away and in the end he was about to order a huge blast, but then stopped himself in complete desperation. - Then the focus shifted back to the opening scene and the fear of pain that seemed to make happiness and peace unbearable. I remembered the pain of frost bite, when the frozen toes thaw. Anyone, who ever experienced this knows, that this is more painful than being burnt by fire. The metaphor seemed to reach him and he listened to me. I took him with me into my childhood, showed him my frozen little feet and made him feel the pain of thawing. This pain has to be endured and there is an end to this pain. The warmth and the circulation return and once you have gone through it, you will never forget the beautiful experience, when the pain vanishes and never fear it again. - Then I saw a huge bear, whose fur had been clad with ice and before my vision the ice disappeared and within the body of the bear there were pastures with flowers and the feeling of spring, there were children laughing and playing.
Another part was one again the encounter with evil, that which I knew was going to happen and that which had made me delay the journey. With "evil" I mean the male energy that surrounds me from all sides, that makes the timber of the house move, as if it wants to dance with me, makes the bed move, as if it wants to embrace me, that charges the energy around me and within me, so that it feels like the consummation of marriage, that wants to swallow me, possess me, but on his terms, not on mine. It rather sees me imprisoned and isolated in a dungeon than free to live my life according to my will. I understood once again that I seem to exert an irresistible attraction to him and somehow he seems to hate me for it, blame me for it and feels justified in punishing me for the suffering he experiences as a result of my existence. - He soaks up every last drop of love that I am willing to give and he even listened to my arguments, my rational explanations, why I insist on monogamy and fidelity. Men can only be equal brothers, if they don't take more than one wife. We watched the scenes together. In any group of young people, there will be a man, who is the alpha-man by his energy. His friends are going to give way to him to be the first to choose a woman. He will chose the one, who is most attractive to him, but there are others, there are always others and especially after one woman has been chosen there will be some disappointed other women, doubling their efforts to replace the one. But there are also the other men observing and disenchanted. If he falls victim to his lust, which is a mixture of the lure of sex and the lure of power and domination, not only of women, but of his brothers as well, then peace and happiness will be lost. If he takes only one more woman, his radiance will increase, since he has now two fountains of energy, he becomes even more attractive, the women will naturally deny their own needs in order to remain in the competition and bend over backwards to comply with his terms. His brothers however will feel dejected and be forever relegated to second choice, inferior station. At the same time, it will become impossible to discipline and educate competitive and seductive vixens. -
However, if he only would be wise and fair, he would understand that the second woman he takes, he takes away from the brother, who waits for her. He forever destroys his brother's ability to be his equal, to feel equally radiant, equally blessed. He also destroys the happiness of his first-chosen and he destroys the future happiness of his second-chosen with the brother, who would have made her his one and only beloved. If his mind is really superior, he could shelter unmarried women in his house, supply them with the necessities of life, he could counsel and work with his brothers to coach them, so they can be equally successful and become strong providers for their families. He could win much honor and respect in his community, he would not need the dominance that comes with drinking from more than one fountain. The vision of a future society arose, happy families, powerful men and women, full of self-confidence within themselves and full of loyalty and friendship towards each other. - "This road is open to you." - Then he showed me an image of his present reality, hopping from one woman to the next and drinking alcohol to blur the memory of me. There are many good women, they are wonderful, lovable people and he can make himself love them, yet even he understood at this moment that somehow none could touch him exactly, where I had touched him. This was not a sign of any lack on their part, only a sign that they are destined to be the one-and-only for another man. It is the superior wisdom of destiny that makes it so. And of course there are innumerable vixens, who are mindlessly following the road of their own lust for competition and winning men as if they were trophies. A mutual benefit of addiction and diversion. - "In this state you are not worthy to be my man. You must make yourself worthy of me. You know, how to do this."
At this point the air began to sizzle around me, everything turned electric and he allowed me a glimpse into the secret folds of his lonely superior mind: "But then I would have to give up the things I simply love doing" - and I caught a whiff of the unrelenting will to experience more and more thrill and at the same time avoid the dreaded surrender to me. He seemed without mercy, his face white and hard with pride and self-possessed. Again I asked him: "Do you really want to elevate yourself above your fellow-men, dominate them, even though you know that this is evil and nothing but evil?" - His face turned into the laughing face of Bill Clinton and his "Yes!" permeated the space of sound and beyond sound. The entire evil company came into view, the Queen of England chuckling and remarking: "Now this was very blunt, but I suppose, we can afford it." - Their confidence to be uncontested seemed beyond description. - I felt the children within me, scared out of their minds. I pronounced over and over again the old words of warding off the devil: "Go back to where you came from!" - "Go back to where you came from!" ... "Where did he come from?" - "We don't even want to know. We don't need to know." - "Go back to where you came from!" - but the curiosity, the most dangerous of all juvenile movements of consciousness had been stirred. And sure enough, He was here in the instant. "Hmmm. You want to know, I can show you," - smart face and appearance, twinkling eyes followed by a little chilling coldness - "Yes?" - "But you know, where this road will end!" and Mahakala appeared around me, smashing with his fist into the ground one evil man after another, the children inside me listening to the sound and feeling safe in the protection of their good and powerful father. An island of safety, of paradise and once again the curiosity-mind: "Where do they come from?" - scenes, like from "The Walking Dead" and heroes fighting against villains. My own mind raced towards the end and conjured up the images: "Men fighting themselves, destroying themselves, not wanting to know that in the most bitter last moment they will knowingly destroy their own bodies, their own lives, for there is no "other", it is only ever themselves" ... but the deceiver tells them: "It's a secret. And it takes a looong time until we get there ..." in the meantime, - and women appeared, young lasses, manga-style, with terse, commanding voices, gang-leaders, - "just do, what I say ...." - why are there always some, who enter the left-hand path . Woe, woe, woe! - I threw myself into the gang of the manga-women and forced them into their own last moment, which appeared to be the sea of blood and them greedily chewing the bodies of their children, once again. - Yet, for a reason unknown to me, they still were able to keep this innermost place of horror a secret to the eyes of men. - "There is no turning back! Once you start on this road, you will end there, no matter how long you may delay its recognition!" - I held the gaze of The One and forced him into my perception, forced my perception into his mind. Yet he seemed to know of a pleasure that is beyond me, - or at least that was, what he wanted me to think and he turned from me, leaving me alone in my isolated dungeon once more. As I am writing this account the light outside has tuned a dark yellow and thunder is rolling. Rain coming down.
Hail storm now!!!
The next day: A Big thanks to everyone, who has been hanging in with me!
Also a big thank you to the wisdom that has created our consciousness in a way that permits this incredible process of learning and overcoming obstacles through rigorous application of communication, expression, reflection, meditation. We are really problem solving entities and the flexibility of our intelligence seems to be superior to any challenge.
Before any healing can occur the diagnosis has to be correct.
Life is a system of inter-dependencies that repeat basic patterns from the small to the large scale. Knowing oneself means to see oneself as made up by a multitude of interdependent parts, physically, emotionally and mentally. With this comes the recognition of the wisdom that the "Self" is an illusion. We are group, to start with. As above so below, as within so without. - We are sick, we are dying, but that is only the symptom, not the cause. Just as a sick animal falls prey to the predator, a sick species, a sick eco-system, a sick planet will die, so that life can continue.
In the past, we have been looking for the enemy outside of ourselves, we have fought battles against diseases as if they were enemies. Many people begin to understand that we need to shift our focus and transfer the battle into our consciousness, which is the collective. Individual consciousness is a contradiction in terms, it does not exist, has never existed. We are group. We mirror each other and we need to permit the un-censored, un-edited totality of "All There Is" to unfold. Then we get a good and accurate diagnosis of where we stand at any one moment. On this basis the deep creative intelligence will kick in and that is nothing short of miraculous, the divine stuff, the stuff that drives evolution.
I have been asking myself, why did destiny send me on on such a hard road? Never mind the troubles of childhood and youth, I had enough resources to move beyond them. They served me for purifying myself, for learning and understanding, for developing myself, building my character and experiencing the bliss, that comes with forgiveness, humility, insight, compassion and love. I felt blessed for being entrusted with difficult situations, for they brought me home to the home without shadow, the inner peace. I didn't go to Peru to look for answers, I was settled and centered, but I was looking for tools and collaborators to find a better way of sharing and communicating to others, what had been so helpful to myself. But now, at this late stage, why was I bashed around the head once more, in a way that seemed to drain all my resources and bring me to the point of utter defeat, not to speak of the emotional pain, that eclipsed love. - One answer: Love must learn to die. Love must learn to say: NO. Even love with its tendency to spread and encircle everything in sight must learn to stop short of pouring itself onto carriers of destructive patterns.
Another answer: I needed to experience first hand the pattern of sheer evil, which is the pattern of a psychopath or sociopath, a pattern that seems alien to the majority of people, therefore it is so hard to comprehend, but it nevertheless exists and the diagnosis cannot be accurate without it. - In this light, it all seems to make sense and I can see that from an early age, I had been prepared to face this challenge.
There is this saying: Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I don't believe this to be true for each and every person. In fact the majority of people will not fall into this trap, but it is the description of the path of evil, the path of the psychopaths, who have gone down the left-hand path and have thereby drifted into the ruling positions here and, I believe, in a multitude of extra-terrestrial civilizations as well. This is the basis for their uncontested grip on humanity. We never had a chance. They have achieved a mastery that allowed them to re-incarnate at will, thanks to the All-Seeing-Eye of the Shaman, the digital-biological interface of advanced technology and the heroic efforts of a voluntary human sacrifice, that promised resurrection and everlasting life. Thereby they have constructed "Maya", the labyrinth of never ending suffering, the wheel of birth and re-birth in a state of confusion and hellish suffering.
And yet, their time is limited and they will fail to dominate life forever. How exactly this will be accomplished, I don't know, there are many possibilities and many sentient beings in many dimensions will cooperate.
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