I have become like a handicapped person.
The tax department owes me around 1500 Euro, a refund for a tax I paid two years ago, when I dissolved my pension fund. I could reclaim it, but I have become super-allergic to the system, I cannot bring myself to touch the papers, to open any letters or focus on anything to do with the administration out there. I also owe some minor sums, for traffic tickets, some fees to the council, and some storage fees, but my hands begin to shake, when I try to bring myself to do anything about it. Any attempt to muster the initiative will see me immobilized for hours on end, as if a stubborn child inside me is determined to sit this out and succeed in simply ignoring the outside world. - If you ignore something for long enough, it will go away. Just keep still, the danger will pass. Don't move, play dead, then you will be safe.
All my active energy has been absorbed by the psychic work, dealing with Aquiles, my own story and our connection. The deeper I entered into there, the more I became aware of the falsehood of our system, the artificial reality, the theater we play and this has not contributed to making me more willing to behave like a normal citizen should behave.
A very subtle balance has tipped, slowly and gently, almost unnoticeable. I simply won't reach out any more, other than through writing on my computer. I still love many people out there, I love the trees and the sunlight, the rain, the birds and the dogs barking in the distance, but I don't leave the hut. Every two or three weeks, I make a short trip to the shop, which I delay as long as possible, until I run out of absolutely everything, especially tobacco.
I won't be able to survive the next winter for several reasons. I have no money to do the necessary work to make the hut suitable for living here in winter, let alone organize the labor. I have no money to pay next years lease, let alone my livelihood and I will not take money from the government. My hopes of generating an income from professional work or from my set of Tarot card designs have become vain as I realize more and more that people are not really interested in what I would want to give, what I would want to teach. There is no acceptance out there for me. Aquiles and the work with Ayahuasca had been a possibility, but more in my imagination than in reality. He never wanted to support my work, in fact he would have sabotaged it, since he is most opposed to it himself. He did sabotage it.
This morning I felt, as if I was allowed to die. My astral body was taken up through my crown chakra, I flew up and up through dream-scapes, through darkness, past planets and stars until I saw the bright white light straight above me and then no further. I hovered. I noticed that I was held from below, like on a tether. I tried to reach up, throw myself upwards but no. My body pulled me back down. He did not let me go.
I consulted the I Ching and asked, what are my chances of finding receptive ears and healing in the areas, where I need healing, because as it is, I am unfit to function in this world. The result was quite devastating. (I received hexagram 40, lines 3 and 4, changing to hexagram 46.)
Nr. 40 talks about liberation (deliverance) and the 3rd line specified:
Nr. 46 is Pushing Upward:
I felt, as if I had been slapped in the face. The I Ching has done this for me many times in the past and I have come to appreciate those slaps, for they are always healthy. But today I couldn't see that I should have been presumptuous, undeserving, careless with guarding things or seductive. - How much further can I disengage from people. I am doing my best, letting go, letting go, letting go. And "pushing upward" with effort and will power is exactly what I cannot do anymore. Reaching out to others is the ability, I have lost. Therefore I was asking for help in the first place.
But the I Ching is not unfair. Plus I had received so much encouragement and confirmation for my conduct in the Peru-story that I could not settle for the obvious interpretation and my mind went into a kind of stunned silence. Then a memory came into focus and with it an instantaneous understanding, a shock and deep despair. I remembered that I had refused to carry the guilt of a man. I had refused to be a man in this life time. I had been adamant about it towards the superior being, who wanted me to be a man and I had been hard on my human self by forcing myself into life as a woman. I had carelessly thrown away the good fortune of having earned a life as a man and as a woman with this kind of energy, I did attract many robbers.
I was supposed to carry the burden of male guilt, but I wanted to be free of it. The nature of my guilt would have been such that a woman would have killed herself, because of the same kind of treatment I am receiving from Aquiles. I would have been a public figure and I could not see past the shame. But today I thought, given my experience with myself, I might have pulled through it and I could have been a big influence on the men of our time. I could have used my own process and modeled for others. I lost this opportunity. I failed before I even started. Therefore I never had a chance. Therefore my life was like jinxed, cursed and left me with nothing. - But no, this doesn't ring true. I would not have pulled through, because I only learned this in this life time as a woman from my own free will. Had I come as a man, I would have been as helpless a victim to the narrative of the seductive evil "wisdom", I would have ended as a terrible instrument of whatever spiritual, non-physical power holds sway over us. There was no other way and of course, I resisted becoming this man not from selfish reasons alone. I really don't want to hurt anyone. It could not have happened any other way. Because I came as a woman, the plot failed on a very high level.
Even as a woman, I had not escaped the burden of guilt, for it is the nature of the human being to err, to be selfish and I dealt with it by offering my life. In this way, I went past the fear of death, experienced grace and bliss and learned many things. I discovered the female side of evil, the hidden, the secretive. Perhaps therefore I was so well protected, kept alive until now. There were many attempts on my life, I died several times and was sent back by the angels. I guess the evil power would have wanted me dead. But so far, I still feel that I failed in my main mission, my prime purpose of rolling out the public process of awakening people to their conscience. I knew instinctively from early on that I am a voice of judgement day. Then again, the spiritual world has received all my learning, even though the human world has not.
Now Aquiles needed to be this man and I need to be the woman, who throws him into shame. I know we are twin souls. But he had always been the male part so far and suffered the inflated ego, the transgressions of the fallen angel, accumulating guilt over several life times. I had up to now always been the female part. Only this time it was supposed to reverse and therefore the story-line is not simply interchangeable. He would have been a different kind of woman to me and I would have been a different kind of man. I would still have been born in Germany and not as a shaman in the rain-forest. I would have had a grand career, probably become part of a secret society of sorts, an initiate and become self-centered, superficial and proud. And I would have ended in the clutches of the deceiver, for I would have deceived myself and my environment in order to hide my shame. I would have become an agent of evil myself, a co-creator of evil.
Aquiles, as a woman, would have also been born here, probably into an established family. Perhaps this explains, why he always seemed to think, life owes him a better material basis. He would have been a very sweet and demure, sacrificial woman, instinctively happy about the opportunity to work off his previous guilt. His suicide would have been from utter misery and a broken heart, with a good dose of resentment. The rift between us would have deepened, and the wheel of never ending suffering would have acquired more stability. Neither of us would have discovered our past life identities, at least not before the suicide. - So, thinking it through, it had its very good sides, that I chose to be a woman. A lot more knowledge transpired, it was the only possibility to break the evil design. Though it meant a much higher personal cost to both of us. He fell deeper, than ever before, however the hidden power came into focus.
Aquiles is probably as unable to see past the ego-inflated narrative, as I would have been and therefore he would not accept me as an equal at his side. He needed to remain the only star of the show. He simply did not want to live a relationship according to my rules, he would not have acted as a role model for other men, at his side, I could not have been the kind of woman I want to be - and lastly, he would feel equally unable, to face his shame and therefore he was bound to sabotage any work towards the "final judgement", the completion of karma, the transcendence of guilt and shame, the burning of the phoenix. Yet the process started anyway and he was first in line. It was inevitable. The energy pattern hangs around me like a second skin and it transmits like a contagion.
But presently he is still in denial. Therefore he would not let me die naturally, even though I begged him. I should survive and carry on somehow, suffer the loneliness, I had chosen in response to the subtle clues and in anticipation of his future conduct, at a time, when he wanted to join me here in Europe. I should stay alive, like a thought in the back of his mind, a presence to call upon perhaps sometime, a lingering possibility. Letting me go, permitting me to die, would have been almost like an admission of wrongdoing on his part or at least a sign of compassion, but he feels resentment towards me now, not compassion. This situation is unlikely to change anytime soon. So I may need to let go of yet another principle, be adaptable, and complete the story with my own effort. The thought became compelling. I am not ruling it out. - I have already started to prepare. And, thanks to the changed story-line, he might pull through as a result and we may speak with one voice in the future. So far he has created a wall against me. He is stalling. I don't think he has read much of the many things I wrote. He may have received some of the meaning anyway. But I need to drive the process onward. I must keep the progress going and I feel, I have the necessary energy to do it.
Then the following video appeared in my Facebook news. (since deleted). I was reminded again of the collusion between Hitler and the bloodlines, which are the bloodlines of Jesus and the sun-gods, the star-travelers, the magi, the seekers of gold and superiority - and of course the eugenics program, which my own mother signed up for. She was supposed to give me up for adoption, she was not supposed to keep me, but, of course, the war was already lost and she never dreamed of doing this.
The tax department owes me around 1500 Euro, a refund for a tax I paid two years ago, when I dissolved my pension fund. I could reclaim it, but I have become super-allergic to the system, I cannot bring myself to touch the papers, to open any letters or focus on anything to do with the administration out there. I also owe some minor sums, for traffic tickets, some fees to the council, and some storage fees, but my hands begin to shake, when I try to bring myself to do anything about it. Any attempt to muster the initiative will see me immobilized for hours on end, as if a stubborn child inside me is determined to sit this out and succeed in simply ignoring the outside world. - If you ignore something for long enough, it will go away. Just keep still, the danger will pass. Don't move, play dead, then you will be safe.
All my active energy has been absorbed by the psychic work, dealing with Aquiles, my own story and our connection. The deeper I entered into there, the more I became aware of the falsehood of our system, the artificial reality, the theater we play and this has not contributed to making me more willing to behave like a normal citizen should behave.
A very subtle balance has tipped, slowly and gently, almost unnoticeable. I simply won't reach out any more, other than through writing on my computer. I still love many people out there, I love the trees and the sunlight, the rain, the birds and the dogs barking in the distance, but I don't leave the hut. Every two or three weeks, I make a short trip to the shop, which I delay as long as possible, until I run out of absolutely everything, especially tobacco.
I won't be able to survive the next winter for several reasons. I have no money to do the necessary work to make the hut suitable for living here in winter, let alone organize the labor. I have no money to pay next years lease, let alone my livelihood and I will not take money from the government. My hopes of generating an income from professional work or from my set of Tarot card designs have become vain as I realize more and more that people are not really interested in what I would want to give, what I would want to teach. There is no acceptance out there for me. Aquiles and the work with Ayahuasca had been a possibility, but more in my imagination than in reality. He never wanted to support my work, in fact he would have sabotaged it, since he is most opposed to it himself. He did sabotage it.
This morning I felt, as if I was allowed to die. My astral body was taken up through my crown chakra, I flew up and up through dream-scapes, through darkness, past planets and stars until I saw the bright white light straight above me and then no further. I hovered. I noticed that I was held from below, like on a tether. I tried to reach up, throw myself upwards but no. My body pulled me back down. He did not let me go.
I consulted the I Ching and asked, what are my chances of finding receptive ears and healing in the areas, where I need healing, because as it is, I am unfit to function in this world. The result was quite devastating. (I received hexagram 40, lines 3 and 4, changing to hexagram 46.)
Nr. 40 talks about liberation (deliverance) and the 3rd line specified:
"If a man carries a burden on his back and nonetheless rides in a carriage, he thereby encourages robbers to draw near. Perseverance leads to humiliation."The 4th line:
"This refers to a man who has come out of needy circumstances into comfort and freedom from want. If now, in the manner of an upstart, he tries to take his ease in comfortable surroundings that do not suit his nature, he thereby attracts robbers. If he goes on thus he is sure to bring disgrace upon himself. Confucius says about this line: Carrying a burden on the back is the business of common man, a carriage is the appurtenance of a man of rank. Now, when a common man uses the appurtenance of man of rank, robbers plot to take it away from him. If a man is insolent toward those above him and hard toward those below him, robbers plot to attack him. Carelessness in guarding things tempts thieves to steal. Sumptuous ornaments worn by a maiden are an enticement to rob her of her virtue."
Deliver yourself from your great toe. Then the companion comes, And him you can trust.
In times of standstill it will happen that inferior people attach themselves to a superior man, and through force of daily habit they may grow very close to him and become indispensable, just as the big toe is indispensable to the foot because it makes walking easier. But when the time of deliverance draws near, with its call to deeds, a man must free himself from such chance acquaintances with whim he has no inner connection. For otherwise the friends who share his views, on whom he could really rely and together with whom he could accomplish something, mistrust him and stay away.
Nr. 46 is Pushing Upward:
"Linked with this is the idea that wood in the earth grows upward. This pushing upward is associated with effort, just as a plant needs energy for pushing upward through the earth. That is why this hexagram, although it is connected with success, is associated with effort of the will. Pushing Upward indicates rather a vertical ascent-direct rise from obscurity and lowliness to power and influence.
Pushing Upward has supreme success. One must see the great man, fear not. Departure toward the south brings good fortune.
The pushing upward of the good elements encounters no obstruction and is therefore accompanied by great success. The pushing upward is made possible not by violence but by modesty and adaptability. Since the individual is borne along by the propitiousness of the time, he advances. He must go to see authoritative people. He need not be afraid to do this, because success is assured. But he must set to work, for activity (this is the meaning of 'the south') brings good fortune.
The image of Pushing Upward: Thus the superior man of devoted character heaps up small things in order to achieve something high and great.
Adapting itself to obstacles and bending around them, wood in the earth grows upward without haste and without rest. Thus too the superior man is devoted in character and never pauses in his progress."
I felt, as if I had been slapped in the face. The I Ching has done this for me many times in the past and I have come to appreciate those slaps, for they are always healthy. But today I couldn't see that I should have been presumptuous, undeserving, careless with guarding things or seductive. - How much further can I disengage from people. I am doing my best, letting go, letting go, letting go. And "pushing upward" with effort and will power is exactly what I cannot do anymore. Reaching out to others is the ability, I have lost. Therefore I was asking for help in the first place.
But the I Ching is not unfair. Plus I had received so much encouragement and confirmation for my conduct in the Peru-story that I could not settle for the obvious interpretation and my mind went into a kind of stunned silence. Then a memory came into focus and with it an instantaneous understanding, a shock and deep despair. I remembered that I had refused to carry the guilt of a man. I had refused to be a man in this life time. I had been adamant about it towards the superior being, who wanted me to be a man and I had been hard on my human self by forcing myself into life as a woman. I had carelessly thrown away the good fortune of having earned a life as a man and as a woman with this kind of energy, I did attract many robbers.
I was supposed to carry the burden of male guilt, but I wanted to be free of it. The nature of my guilt would have been such that a woman would have killed herself, because of the same kind of treatment I am receiving from Aquiles. I would have been a public figure and I could not see past the shame. But today I thought, given my experience with myself, I might have pulled through it and I could have been a big influence on the men of our time. I could have used my own process and modeled for others. I lost this opportunity. I failed before I even started. Therefore I never had a chance. Therefore my life was like jinxed, cursed and left me with nothing. - But no, this doesn't ring true. I would not have pulled through, because I only learned this in this life time as a woman from my own free will. Had I come as a man, I would have been as helpless a victim to the narrative of the seductive evil "wisdom", I would have ended as a terrible instrument of whatever spiritual, non-physical power holds sway over us. There was no other way and of course, I resisted becoming this man not from selfish reasons alone. I really don't want to hurt anyone. It could not have happened any other way. Because I came as a woman, the plot failed on a very high level.
Even as a woman, I had not escaped the burden of guilt, for it is the nature of the human being to err, to be selfish and I dealt with it by offering my life. In this way, I went past the fear of death, experienced grace and bliss and learned many things. I discovered the female side of evil, the hidden, the secretive. Perhaps therefore I was so well protected, kept alive until now. There were many attempts on my life, I died several times and was sent back by the angels. I guess the evil power would have wanted me dead. But so far, I still feel that I failed in my main mission, my prime purpose of rolling out the public process of awakening people to their conscience. I knew instinctively from early on that I am a voice of judgement day. Then again, the spiritual world has received all my learning, even though the human world has not.
Now Aquiles needed to be this man and I need to be the woman, who throws him into shame. I know we are twin souls. But he had always been the male part so far and suffered the inflated ego, the transgressions of the fallen angel, accumulating guilt over several life times. I had up to now always been the female part. Only this time it was supposed to reverse and therefore the story-line is not simply interchangeable. He would have been a different kind of woman to me and I would have been a different kind of man. I would still have been born in Germany and not as a shaman in the rain-forest. I would have had a grand career, probably become part of a secret society of sorts, an initiate and become self-centered, superficial and proud. And I would have ended in the clutches of the deceiver, for I would have deceived myself and my environment in order to hide my shame. I would have become an agent of evil myself, a co-creator of evil.
Aquiles, as a woman, would have also been born here, probably into an established family. Perhaps this explains, why he always seemed to think, life owes him a better material basis. He would have been a very sweet and demure, sacrificial woman, instinctively happy about the opportunity to work off his previous guilt. His suicide would have been from utter misery and a broken heart, with a good dose of resentment. The rift between us would have deepened, and the wheel of never ending suffering would have acquired more stability. Neither of us would have discovered our past life identities, at least not before the suicide. - So, thinking it through, it had its very good sides, that I chose to be a woman. A lot more knowledge transpired, it was the only possibility to break the evil design. Though it meant a much higher personal cost to both of us. He fell deeper, than ever before, however the hidden power came into focus.
Aquiles is probably as unable to see past the ego-inflated narrative, as I would have been and therefore he would not accept me as an equal at his side. He needed to remain the only star of the show. He simply did not want to live a relationship according to my rules, he would not have acted as a role model for other men, at his side, I could not have been the kind of woman I want to be - and lastly, he would feel equally unable, to face his shame and therefore he was bound to sabotage any work towards the "final judgement", the completion of karma, the transcendence of guilt and shame, the burning of the phoenix. Yet the process started anyway and he was first in line. It was inevitable. The energy pattern hangs around me like a second skin and it transmits like a contagion.
But presently he is still in denial. Therefore he would not let me die naturally, even though I begged him. I should survive and carry on somehow, suffer the loneliness, I had chosen in response to the subtle clues and in anticipation of his future conduct, at a time, when he wanted to join me here in Europe. I should stay alive, like a thought in the back of his mind, a presence to call upon perhaps sometime, a lingering possibility. Letting me go, permitting me to die, would have been almost like an admission of wrongdoing on his part or at least a sign of compassion, but he feels resentment towards me now, not compassion. This situation is unlikely to change anytime soon. So I may need to let go of yet another principle, be adaptable, and complete the story with my own effort. The thought became compelling. I am not ruling it out. - I have already started to prepare. And, thanks to the changed story-line, he might pull through as a result and we may speak with one voice in the future. So far he has created a wall against me. He is stalling. I don't think he has read much of the many things I wrote. He may have received some of the meaning anyway. But I need to drive the process onward. I must keep the progress going and I feel, I have the necessary energy to do it.
Then the following video appeared in my Facebook news. (since deleted). I was reminded again of the collusion between Hitler and the bloodlines, which are the bloodlines of Jesus and the sun-gods, the star-travelers, the magi, the seekers of gold and superiority - and of course the eugenics program, which my own mother signed up for. She was supposed to give me up for adoption, she was not supposed to keep me, but, of course, the war was already lost and she never dreamed of doing this.
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