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I said I would take my heart from you, but I can't. 
Or that I would live on without this pain, but I can't. 
I said I would banish desire for you, but I can't. 
I swear to you, as I am a man, I can't.

Rumi ❤️❤️❤️

A man, who cannot surrender to woman cannot surrender to God - and show me the man, who will..

Yes, there are men, who do. We know them here in our poor old country, we still have the memories of paradise alive.

But the world is full of psychopaths and most of them don't even know, that they fit this description.

Every evening, I think, I am done with saying everything there is to say and in the morning, there is more.

The psychopath has come into focus. The psychopath lives by inspiring hope and love in others. -

When I was a kid, we had the "Waltons" and "Lassie" etc.on the television and I remember clearly, at the age of 6 or so, I suddenly realized that the people in my real life are not like the ones on TV. Neither my parents nor my teachers or my kindergarten-inmates nor classmates were anything like the people on the tele. On the contrary, in real life people did not change, they did not resolve and forgive, they did not return to love nor ask for forgiveness, they never admitted to any of their own cruelties nor to any of the pain they inflicted. As a child, it left me with the impression that those good people must be out there somewhere and I only need to find them or they would somehow enter my life at a later stage and would find me.

Now I think, yes, there are some good people, but they all are powerless and beaten down, just like I am. - And there is a huge mass of others, who live by and on us. - The movie-industry churns out story after story of villains successfully brought to justice, of bratty kids mending their ways, of lovers returning to wisdom and mutual respect. In real life, this is not so, to the contrary. Democracy is a real-life artistic set-up to create the illusion of power and participation for the masses. Courts of Law and legislation are there to create the impression of Justice, every social system has been bitterly fought for and never been created from free will and superior sense of responsibility, in fact all benefits will be reduced again, as soon as the pressure from the ordinary people wanes or is deemed ineffectual.

The psychopaths of this world are legion and they never had the faintest inclination of changing their ways. - They feel superior and they are superior owing to the extraterrestrial connections that gives them a permanent advantage over us. We never had a chance, but we also should never know, that we never had a chance. So technology was only ever revealed and used to the degree that it was just enough to remain in control, just enough to beat the rebellions from Spartacus to the colonial wars, from the French revolution to the many we don't learn about in history or in the daily news. It was and is a cat-and-mouse-game.

In fact the psychopath will make you feel guilty for leaving him. If you resist the psychopath, he blames you and he will torment your conscience with the idea, that you are too impatient. If you just would hold on a little longer, perhaps he would finally melt down and satisfy your desire for helping him out of his evil ways.

At the same time he uses his superior power to make your life misery without him. If you stop playing to his tunes, he makes you feel worthless, a failure, unlovable. He himself will travel on to new shores and catch another victim, sail on another wind, surf on another wave. -

But as long as you try to hang in there, your super-human efforts are the source of their entertainment. They love it. They thrive on it. Therefore they will never give in, for it would deprive them of their basic scenario. They have no plan to ever change. They even get attached to their most dedicated victims, to a certain degree. - And the biggest crime in their eyes is naturally, when you call the bluff and move out of the racket.

They have been aware of this danger all along. The moment we abandon this illusory hope, we take the first step to freedom. This is,what they fear most. Not only on the personal basis in the one-on-one relationships, but also collectively and even metaphysically. Our "science" of psychology and psychotherapy exhorts us to put every evil down to a "lack of love", so that we re-double and triple our efforts, hoping, forever hoping to "heal", what in reality does not want to e healed, does not even suffer, but enjoys vast amounts of energy and is full of beans. Just look at the faces of our leaders. They are not depressed and their 24/7's are filled with many pleasures. Religions have trumpeted the same theme. I am saying, that this has been deliberate, for the greatest danger to the psychopath, who is not only one of a crowd of individual human beings, but also the "God", who rules this world, the metaphysical power, which directs incarnations and is omnipresent in the Bardo of Existence, making contracts with souls on the blue road between lives and thereby directing his stooges into the powerful positions in the physical world.

The psychopath will make rules that are contrary to your own nature, but he will insist that they are the superior wisdom and he will show you examples of people, who have managed to live by them and pretend that this is indeed the ultimate state, where happiness can be found. He will try and bend your nature to his desires, enjoying your suffering that you are willing to endure on his behalf. But of course, he will never reciprocate, ever.

Yet, should you decide to leave him, you are the biggest traitor, the biggest culprit the world has ever seen.

This is the one and ultimate reason for the unanimous shunning of suicide in the worldly and the so-called spiritual teachings, the reason for the overemphasis on physical life, the mass-hypnosis that pounds it into people's' heads that the state, the government would do everything to save your life, to protect your safety, to guarantee your medical treatments and so forth.

You must never even get the faintest idea in your mind, that you could actually move out from here, just like an adolescent will move out from the house of bad parents. This solution is the most dangerous idea and all will conspire to deter you.

Even the social network sites are full with examples of good people, rescuing animals, our alternative news tell us of people, who voice their dissent, orchestrate campaigns to save bees and human rights, but it never changes anything and that is for certain. The overwhelming majority of cows, calves and pigs, chicken, children and women continue to suffer in anonymity. There is no design to improve their lot, not on the worldly nor on the metaphysical level.

That is the rule of the psychopath and he is in control. He knows to just give in a little to make you hope. That is his skill, his applied wisdom, his entertainment and his reason to feel so very superior to you. You are proving to him, that you cannot even touch his feet in your ignorance and limited perception.

He has laughed about the folly of love for aeons. He will never surrender to it.

I have seen the way he makes contracts with the souls of sinners in the metaphysical realm between lives. He approaches at the time,when the sinner is aware that he cannot return to a human body, but would need to experience life in an animal form or as a woman, that is mainly the loss of the superior position that men have been granted over women and humans in general have been granted over the rest of creation. So the sinner knows, he will now live a life, where he will experience being dominated and his fears are raised that he will suffer the return of what he himself dished out and of course, he knows very well, what that is. At this stage he is approached by the deceiver. He s told, that he may return into human form, if he enters a contract. I have witnessed this scene, because the Dalai Lama was honest enough to open his memory to my inquiry. In his case, he needed to promise that he would promulgate the law of Karma, every time he was instructed to do so. This law says that all suffering you experience is a result of your own previous transgressions. At this stage the Dalai Lama agreed, since he knew this law was true and he could not find fault with entering such a contract. - But little did he foresee that in our time we need to understand that even this law is not applicable in all cases, in fact this law becomes the greatest obstacle to understanding the nature of the psychopath. -

Similar contracts have been made with women, who became aware of the transgression of manipulation and seduction, allowing them to return as men under the provision to discipline all women at all cost.

such is "maya" the labyrinth of cyclical birth and rebirth in the realm of ignorance and suffering.

I always thought it was sheer hubris to consider human life as superior and more valuable than life as an animal. What is wrong with the experience of being a bird or an insect? In fact, if we know to live in the moment, not hang on to form, but allow change, going in and out of physical existence, be it short, medium or long, swim in the oceans, jump up and down rivers, roam fields and woods, live one moment at a time, experience victory and defeat in equilibrium, eat and be eaten, be host to others and be hosted by others, be small or large without making preferences, how better to learn this than in the animal realm? - Except of course, if one must suffer in the meat factories at the hands of the superior species. That is truly the horror vision.

Looking into the eyes of animals, I feel, if there is Christ consciousness manifest anywhere, it is in those beings, whose bodies we eat so carelessly. Yet they still show love and gratitude for every small sign of human love. Perhaps it is those animals for the slaughter, who were destined to reach this elevated stage in its purest form, for nothing else could possibly cradle their spirits and save their souls.

Many people lack the ability to trust, but I am not one of them. I found, people, who have an unreal sense of suspicion actually are untrustworthy people. This makes sense, since the human psyche operates by projection. What we know ourselves to be, we project on others. There are two groups of people in existence. One is trusting and trustworthy, the other is not trusting and not trustworthy. The fact that an evil spiritual and physical creation exists does not preclude the existence of a good spiritual and physical creation. I am aware of this and I am one, who spells out the details of this situation, as I am figuring it out.

In fact, my ability to trust has been the very basis on which I got so close to the subject of investigation, I guess I appeared so gullible and stupid, that I was not deemed capable of comprehending the magnitude of the scam.

The essence of my trust is my trust in the ability to let go of pain and discord, to look at all the stories as if they would be dreams, as superficial short-term movements of limited meaning, as one theatrical play of destiny among a multitude of other plays, known and yet unknown, to always fall back into the Great Nothing, into the abiding peace and love that renews my spirit from inside and makes me independent of outside circumstances.

This in turn has given me many confirmations of the existence of the metaphysical realm and the good-will that exists within creation far beyond the human comprehension. I remember at least one life-time, that I spent entirely in the care of animals. Even now, in this most difficult and lonely time, I draw strength and I am repeatedly filled with love from the animal kingdom. Every morning I listen to the dawn chorus and often it moves me to tears, opens the flood gates and softens my heart and spirit. During the times of meditation and reflection, of writing my accounts, the voices of the animals accompany me and at times they seem to comment and confirm, comfort and sometimes contradict, what is going on in my focus. Rain, wind and thunder are doing the rest.

Yet, when I hear a certain tone in human voices, or the sound of machines, cutting timber or slashing greenery, I always get a fright.

Many times I have experienced the reaction of people to the "slaughter of the sacred cows", the images, we have constructed in our minds of the leading figures of past and present. Whatever criticism one may voice, all is well, until one pins this criticism onto a figure like Jesus, the Dalai Lama or the Prophet Muhammad, Abraham, Joseph or even any of lesser-known contemporary Mullahs, Gurus, Rinpoches and Holinesses. One of the darkest aspects of my journey is indeed the feeling of utter dread that comes with the mounting evidence that most, if not all leaders in this time of maximum evil have only become leaders, because they have entered contracts with the deceiver. The same applies to our leading philosophers, politicians, royals, scientists, authors and artists. How many royals, political minds, philosophers, scientists, authors and artists have remained in obscurity, unknown, unheard and even actively silenced by assassination? -

How come, that a person like the Dalai Lama, - to stay with him as an example, - who is by his training a master of the movements of human consciousness, consistently fails to respond to the most urgent necessity of the evolution of consciousness, the recognition and the description of the mental conditioning that is called "sociopath", its effects in the personal relationships, in society and in the metaphysical realm? - Instead there are millions of people, men and women, who dissect themselves, throw themselves into unending wars within their own consciousness to somehow discover their own guilt, their own "bad karma", that has thrown them into suffering and misery.

The same applies to the dogma of "forgiveness" as the ultimate duty of Christians, which has given a free ticket to evil-doers. In fact, one of the earliest insights came from my observation of a certain group of men, who seemed to be stuck in domestic violence and abuse in relationships with "forgiving" and sacrificial women, the so-called "enablers" or co-dependents. They appeared, as if their souls were screaming for some-one, who would at long last set them boundaries, but instead they were "forgiven" time and again, leaving them like unchecked weeds, growing wild and not able to stop. This type of women feel superior and innocent, put themselves above men, but fail to fulfill their obligation and manifest a psychopathic character in themselves. Why don't we hear any of this in our churches and seminaries? Is it so difficult to understand? - No. But there are these contracts, that ALL OF OUR LEADERS, may have entered.

The same may apply to the revered Mullahs or any other Guru.

The nature of the deceiver is, that all the wisdoms that are promulgated by his contractors are valid and true in certain circumstances, but when they are taken out of context, they become the greatest obstacle.

Why are our leaders unable to respond to the real needs of evolution of consciousness, the need to differentiate? Is it so difficult? - No,it is not. If I can do it, they also must be able to do it, but they don't and consistently maintain the simplification, that keeps us stuck.

The same applies to the wisdom that allows for the separation of bad marriages. Yes, bad marriages need to be dissolved in a careful and respectful manner. But taken out of context and applied on a broad basis, this has led society into a terrible decline.

The same applies to morality.

The same applies to liberality. While it is hugely important to control the demons of jealousy and possessiveness by being truthful and acknowledging their existence as soon as they enter one's mind, but one must never allow them to go past the realm of thought or words at the most. They must never compel one into actions of violence. This is possible. I have accomplished it and I know of many people, who have. It only depends on one's sincere intention. However taken out of context and proclaiming "free-love" as the answer, constructing an ideal of the jealousy-free human is one of the greatest deviations of our time. This is contrary to human nature. It will not work.  Personally, I hold the teachers of Buddhist tantric lore and the modern day Shamans to account in this matter. Their personal conduct, having multiple sexual partners as a kind of ideal spiritual way of life has been emulated by their followers, especially the liberal, artistic community in the West, the movie directors, songwriters etc.. This is a death-blow to love and the coherent social fabric. It is the hey-day of Evil in its most visible and tangible form.

Any personification is essentially idolatry. We must learn to separate the words from the mouths they issue from. If we cannot recognize wisdom on its own merits, but depend on the mouthpiece, we are nothing but idolaters, who hang on to an image and have no idea of the invisible. In this sense it is true, that God is indeed the invisible.

But again, this does not mean that God cannot take on form, even visible form. The invisibility of God does not depend on God never taking form.

Not sure, how much sense it makes to find words for those theological subtleties. Still, it's a kind of duty to me to not leave them unsaid, since they appear in my mind and I cannot be at peace, unless I at least offer them, whether and how they are received is beyond my sphere of influence and responsibility.

I can see all the dogmatic controversies between the followers of the different religions as a result of those unfortunate contracts.

It is easy to create conflicts this way and since conflict has been created, I assume, there was the intention to do so.

All the dogmatic arguments could be resolved by pointing to the paradoxical nature of spiritual truths, in the sense that they can be seen correct in a certain reference and incorrect in another reference. The human mind is very capable of grasping this, but if humanity is yoked with leaders, who insist on one dogma at the exclusion of the other, the set-up for perpetual strife is accomplished.

Hindus are commonly rejected as idolaters in the eyes of Muslims and Christians, while Muslims also think of Christians as idol worshipers. Yet Muslims very well acknowledge a multitude of divine qualities and Christians acknowledge many angels and both religions have prayers for different circumstances, for healing, for protection, for travel, for work and livelihood, for children and so forth. - In Buddhism and Hinduism all these qualities are expressed by different visual representations, different "Gods", yet, when asked - and taken seriously, they will also say, that there is a unity of source, a one-pointed ultimate essence. The conflict is not inevitable, it has been purposefully engineered. - On the other hand, idolatry is a real possibility for the human inferior mind and in all religions the essence of idolatry is present.

as if to give me a perfect example of, what I was trying to say:

" transcend the path of sorrow and death..." - perfect example of spiritual corruption, blown into the alpha-state of viewers and listeners, undercutting conscious and rational filtering. Death is natural, death is not the cause of suffering. Quite the opposite is true. Freedom from sorrow and suffering comes with transcending our attachment to permanence, letting go of our fear of death, accepting the movements of coming and going without resistance. - But who wants to know this, when the bell tolls so nicely, the camera sweeps across the beautiful earth and the supposed knowledge-holder pronounces superior "wisdom", making us all feel safe in the care of his superiority. What bullshit!

There are two kinds of suffering.

One is the inevitable natural suffering of existence, of birth, sickness, repercussions of one's own mistakes and death, all of which can be overcome by expanded awareness, surrender to impermanence, learning, humility, compassion, human virtues, love. The other is the unnecessary and unnatural suffering, which we presently experience at the hands of evil and sociopath demon-minds, who artificially and effectively interrupt the natural process of learning and evolution of consciousness.

We must keep those two apart, learn to identify which is which, surrender to the one and refuse the other.

Late last night German TV broadcast the Canadian movie "I killed my mother", a stirring story of a young homosexual man. It perfectly illustrates the personality of the female version of the sociopath. - Watching it, I became aware of the single most difficult aspect, when dealing with such a person: They appear completely ignorant of what they are doing and project themselves as natural and innocent, full of the best of intentions. This aspect is even stronger in the female sociopath than in the male, which I experienced in my relationship with Aquiles. It became painfully obvious, how impossible it is for a son to cut through the deception. It was heart-breaking. -

But they do know. They know that they have taken the wrong turn and they pretend to themselves that it doesn't matter, justifying themselves, blaming everyone else and the strength of their self-deception creates this appearance of ignorance and innocence. As long as we buy into it, they will continue maintaining the facade. They will never tear it down as long as the see that we believe them. We need to cut their crap and pin them to the subtle traces of their own truth. We need to focus on their truth and hold them to it.

I remembered my own mother. She also has this pattern. Within our extended family and the community she is known as a friendly, dedicated, competent woman, helpful, hospitable and unfortunate for having me, such a terrible and ungrateful, unreasonable and rebellious daughter. I remembered a vision from 1990, in New Zealand, where I re-experienced myself at the point of deciding on my gender in this life. I was supposed to be a man and I foresaw, what I would be doing. I saw that I would leave a trail of blood and tears, hurting people and getting away with it, never being called to account and successfully refusing to accept any responsibility. I had to refuse this life as a man three times before I was granted permission to being a woman. - A few weeks later I had a dream, where I saw myself in the body of a pig, but walking on its hind-legs through our house in Germany, my mother and my father trailing behind me like bowing servants, devoted yet mistreated and despised by me for their subservience. I was "The Pope", whatever that meant, and I remember being puzzled about it, since we were Lutherans and there was no way, I could have become "The Pope". After I woke up, I understood that I had seen, what kind of person would have become of me, had I agreed to be a man. I also saw, that as a girl, those ego-patterns were simply not groomed within me, and the ones I developed regardless, I didn't get away with, thanks to relentless rejection, humiliation, blame and criticism. Being a woman has not prevented me from creating guilt, I have accumulated guilt anyway and had to face it. The best thing I can say about me is that I have changed.

When I met Aquiles, we recognised each other as being two drops of the same water, we are twin souls. I told him of this vision and the dream. I had refused life as a man, therefore he could not manifest as a woman, as would have been his turn to do.

In the beginning of this blog, I mentioned the incidents at Tarapoto, where numerous schoolchildren experienced states of possession. When I read the accounts, the most profound key-experience with my mother popped back into focus. - I must have been between 3 and 4 years old, just after entering kindergarten - and my mind was busy trying to make sense of all the rules that my mother explained to me, ultimately justifying her outbreaks of whatever with the god-given authority of parents over children and the unconditional obedience and surrender that is requested of children by divine verdict. I remember standing at the bottom of the old wooden stairs in our house, listening to her upstairs, arguing with her mother, insulting her and making her cry. - I remember thinking, that now, she is clearly breaking her own rules and the suspicion, I had had for a while, was confirmed in my mind, that her rules were simply a scam and she was not on the side of God, but only made up the rules to serve herself. - Anyway, as she had stomped down the stairs, I planted myself into her path and repeated the words, I had learned from the nuns in Kindergarten, that were used to express the need for reproach: "I will go and get the stick now!" - She turned to me and asked with a cold stare: "and why would you think of doing that?" - "You talked bad to grandma." - Her face went white and she said with malicious calm: "Ok. go and get one then." - I was surprised, I somehow had expected insight and at the same time I understood that this expectation had been foolish. But I went into the garden anyway. I found a nice wooden stick, but I feared she would use it on me, so I didn't want to use that one. I considered a blade of grass, but that seemed too wimpish. Finally I settled for a dry stalk, large enough to express my sincerity, but not hard and easy to break. I went back into the house, she was waiting for me. "So, what are you going to do with this now?" She was still white with quiet menace. I lifted the stick and touched her arm with it lightly. - "You are lifting your hand against your mother! - Now you will be locked into the cellar." - I was glad, she obviously had no intention of hitting me and I was not afraid of the cellar, I had played there many times. But when we arrived at the bottom of the long narrow granite stairs, she closed the door to the part of the cellar with windows and left me in the oldest part, the one, where the coal was stored with low arched ceiling and brick walls. "There you stay and don't you dare to come up until I get you." - She disappeared up the stone stairs, I heard the upper door slammed shut and the key turned. It was pitch black dark. I visualized my surroundings from memory and thought, I know, where I am, there is no difference, just because I don't see anything. - And the IT HAPPENED. That what popped into my memory, when I read about the girls in Tarapoto. Something came at me and attacked me from behind. It felt, as if something was biting into the small of my back. I fought with myself, for I was ordered to stay down there. I could not. I started to panic and climbed up the stairs, beginning to sob, couldn't stop myself, the feeling in my back completely overpowered me and by the time I had reached the upper door I was screaming from the top of my voice, banging on the door with my fists in utter desperation. It took ages until my mother opened the door. I threw myself out and grabbed her legs holding on for life, sweating, screaming, completely out of my mind. "That's not the way to apologize for your wrong-doing," mother said and proceeded to put me back behind that door. I felt as if my life was about to end and held on to her with a strength I had never felt before, but she was stronger, prized my fingers apart, wrested my clinging legs away from her and managed to push me back into the cellar, closing and locking the door once again. - Strangely, as soon as I was alone in there, the panic dropped from me, all feeling of danger had evaporated, the cellar was as harmless and peaceful as it had ever been. I collapsed in a heap on the stone steps, my tears dried up and my insides as well. There was just nothing, completely empty and spent. I have no recollection how long it took for her to release me or what happened, when she did nor how she did it. I think, I did not look at her for a long time. She had become as non-existent in my life. She was not there any more. She had become a stranger.

Many times I had tried to work through this trauma. When it re-surfaced after the events from Tarapoto, I succeeded the very first time to look straight at whatever had attacked me, the girl at the bottom of the stairs, supported by the adult, who I am now, could finally focus her vision backwards without panic, without fear, looking at what cannot be seen for it contains no light, but feeling a presence that is a something. It is not nothing, not empty, it is something, it is evil, but it had lost it's power, finally. I knew it and I had grown strong enough to know that I am stronger.

Another answer to the question, why I needed to experience this last round of unhappiness: I needed to relieve Aquiles from the results on his personality that the female sociopaths in his life had groomed and supported. I had to strip down and contradict all this conditioning, replace it and give him an honest chance to make a free choice. - So it has been Karma after all.

The guilt of refusing to share the path of guilt. The heart of Aquiles must braver than mine.

In any case, I was not spared the path of guilt and the best I can say about myself is, that I have learned to face it. Perhaps it was still for the best, because if anyone can teach him to face his truth, it may be me.

Now some additional insight around this story: Despite everything, my mother had been permitted to call on the ancient contract that God has made with parents and therefore her curse had to be fulfilled and I was punished accordingly. - Yet as soon as she pushed me back the second time, the curse attached to her and the cellar was safe again. I never suffered from fear of dark later.

But I saw her transfigured into a demon shortly after, at the next confrontation we had. Her face was replaced completely with a devil's face. It was horrifying and I started to scream and yell. She got a mirror and said to me: "Look, how ugly you are." For a moment, I was scared to see my face the same as hers and fought tooth and nail, but she forced the mirror in front of me. I closed my eyes tightly, she demanded I should open them. Then I started to think and began to doubt that I really looked the same. Actually I feel that I must have had some angels helping me think clearly, as usual. So eventually I looked and I saw myself, red and sweaty, my hair entangled and all over, but no sign of the devil. I decided that I was not pretty, but the mirror had clearly spoken on my behalf!

It sounds almost humorous now, in hindsight, but I was scared of my mother. I stopped speaking for a very long time and obeyed her as much as I could, as quickly as I could. Still, her demands often exceeded my capacity, and at the age of 7 or 8, I had my first stomach ulcer. I was saved by boarding school, which I entered at the age of 9. So all improved and I still believe, that without boarding school, I would not have made it into adulthood.